I didn't know what to do. In this situation I always thought I would just "take care of it," that getting pregnant was just like a really expensive yeast infection. So I went to Planned Parenthood and they acted exactly like I wanted them to in my idealistic, non-pregnant state. You know... abortion is no big deal, here's what the state tells us to say, great see you in 24 hours for your procedure. But being there pregnant, I felt very strange about it. I mean, you don't think anyone will change their mind? That maybe we are just here for information? But no - nobody was, myself included. Then I got a sonogram (mandated to know how far along I was - 11 weeks and 5 days) and I saw my baby. You know that Friends episode where Rachel gets a sonogram and she can't see the baby and Ross has to point out that peanut-looking-thing and go "honey, that's it"? Well this was not like that. My baby has a face. It's got my nose. I can tell. Poor thing.
So I started researching adoption. Tentatively. But eventually I found this agency called IAC which specializes in open adoption. I knew I wanted a gay couple, in an urban setting (seriously don't ask me why - I have no idea) and IAC actually lets you SEARCH for gay couples (do you know how many agencies just DON'T HAVE THEM? It's atrocious.) and I found T&V (names withheld to protect the innocent). They're great. We're getting to know each other. They live in NYC, near campus, which is great. Even though I'm shacked up in Philly for the summer, they're close by.
And the father - gah, more on that later perhaps (if I stick with this).
So. I'm due mid-December (by my calculations) which will either be at the start of winter break or during finals! Who knows!
Hey Lia! I'm writing you because you commented on a friend of mine's blog and she asked that I check in with you. So I am. :) I'm an adoptive mom but not like, "Yay! Adoption! What a lovely gift for you to give to that poor barren gay couple!" Just so you know. I'm glad you're reaching out to women who have gone through placing a child (I saw you post on brilliant Barb's blog, too) and that's so great -- I applaud your efforts to get information and support now. I love the internet! Anyway. I am thinking of you. And remember that you can make and remake your decision a zillion times up until you take your baby home or sign the surrenders. It may feel like you're committing irrevocably but you're not. If sometime next week for absolutely no reason you change your mind, you get to change your mind. This is about you first and your baby second and that couple? They are a way way way distant third if they get rated at all. I know it doesn't always seem that way but if they have a good social worker, that social worker is reminding them that this -- your experience -- is not about them. I hope someone is reminding you of that, too. They may be part of your process but they are not OF it.
ReplyDeleteLove to you.
you're incredibly delusional if you think adoption is a good thing. if you're not using drugs or being abusive to your child, you should be raising it.
ReplyDeleteever heard of assistance? people use it all the time to get on their feel.
why not use your tuition money to get started raising your child? you are the one who created this kid. if you're not going to abort it, then raise it.
put on your big girl panties and BE A PARENT.
Hi Lia, I am a friend of Jeni's and I think it is really important for you to take a long hard look at the decision you are making, the decision that will irrevocably change your life and that of your child. All a child needs is the love of their mother, their natural, biological mother. They don't care about money, or even about having two parents who are together, your baby just needs you. My adoptive parents are lovely people who gave me every material thing I needed but being given up by my natural mother damaged me beyond repair, and no amount of love from my adoptive family could repair that.
ReplyDeleteAs much as you seem to think that an open adoption is the be all and end all of adoptive experiences, I think you need to know the harsh reality that many, many adoptive parents close the adoption when they feel threatened by the natural mother. The potential adoptive parents of your child will tell you whatever you want to hear to get their hands on your child. Frankly, they don't care about your feelings and open adoption is not legally binding so if you are justifying your decision using that rationale, you need to take a look around at some birthmother blogs and forums and see how often supposedly open adoptions do close.
Please, for your own sake and for the sake of your child, get online and read about the experiences that are not all rainbows and roses, read the stories of birthmothers who relinquished their children more than 5 years ago and you will see the psychological damage that it causes, read some more adult adoptee blogs and you will see the overwhelming evidence that being adopted leads to abandonment issues, low self esteem, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, eating disorders - the list goes on. Please read The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. And please, please, please seriously consider raising YOUR child yourself - it can be done, there is help, you are not alone.
Lia, I second and third what Jeni and her friend have said here to you. I'm a mother whose child was taken for adoption in 1966. I was sent to a maternity "home." I had NO CHOICE. It was a done deal. I was 17 and not married. It, in many ways, ruined my life. You will NEVER recover from not raising YOUR child. She or he needs only YOU. Don't let people tell you that your child needs more than you can give. Your child needs your love. She is part of your TRIBE. She is more than your blood and flesh. You are KIN. You must honor and respect that. If you believe in a Higher Power, you must believe that there is a reason your child was given to you. Adoption is a man made experience that has failed miserably. Do you know that it is a business that pulls in over $1.5 BILLION a year? Please, please, please keep your child. If you don't, you will be severely harming yourself and your child. Listen to those of us who know. WE HAVE LIVED IT.
ReplyDeleteHi Lia,
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the sordid world of adoption! Its certainly not a place I would ever personally chose to put myself in or involve my child in for that matter... BUT you do still have a choice and I say RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION. Do not stop. Do not listen to all the fluffy lies that make adoption sound like it will all work perfectly because the truth of the matter is, adoption is not good and anyone telling you something different is living in a world of delusion.
Yes, you might be unprepared for this baby. Its called being a first time parent so, very normal. Most first time parents I know (like 99%) are unprepared for their first baby so you are no different than whether you were 30 and settled... you would still be just us unprepared because parenting is NOT about what house you have, how much money in the bank there is or how old you are. It is about stepping up and being responsible... which is NOT giving your child away through adoption.
You love this child? Then DO NOT GIVE THEM AWAY. What did they do to be abandoned by their world? The person who has nurtured them into this world? See it from THEIR point of view and not the point of view of adults who are pro adoption and have no clue about adoption and tend just to spout rhetoric crap that is so common in adoption. I am sure you have been told if you love your child you would give them up, I want to let you know how much of a huge FAT lie that is. Because love is not abandoning your child. And nothing, not a fine house, clothes and other material possessions are EVER going to make up for what your child will lose if you give them away. To them, its like you just gave up, like you are throwing them away... and you pretty much would be.
Yes, I know this sounds harsh and its not the lovey dovey crap that most people want to spin for you but I am not going to lie to you and I will be honest as no one was there for me when I needed them and I lost my daughter to adoption.
Please listen to Jeni and Eri, they know more about adoption than anyone would as they have had to live through its consequences. They are the voice for YOUR baby... and Karen and I know the pain of losing a child to adoption. Adoptive parents are not a valid source to listen to given they will GAIN from your LOSS so I wouldn't have much to do with that side of the equation at all.
Anyway, I wish you the best through this pregnancy. It will be hard. But you are not Juno as you say and therefore don't have to do things Juno style. I never knew why anyone liked that movie, it is such crap!
Here I am again, Myst always speaks her truth and does it well.I see some are already telling you what you should do.Your decision, when you've had time to weigh up everything.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
Von
I echo the others and parenting is a real option for you. This is a link to my bog http://relinquishingandreunion.blogspot.com/ and please read it as it will give an insight to the dark side of adoption. I was 19 and had a good job but was coerced into surrendering by my parents and adoption agency. Just because you're young doesn't mean you cant be a good mother,
ReplyDeleteLia,
ReplyDeleteI know this comment is several days after the original post; however, I wanted to just echo much of what Dawn already said.
I especially wanted to make sure you absorbed what she said about making a decision. If you decide on adoption before the baby is born, that is only one of the two decisions. Before the baby is born is not binding at all whatsoever. You need to make the decision all over again after the baby is born. After he/she is sleeping in your arms, that is when you need to reevaluate everything you thought you knew before they were born. Because the birth changes you - it just does. And any decisions you made for adoption before the birth should be disregarded and ask yourself all the questions again - and after the birth, then you will be able to answer the questions with your heart as well as with logic. You need to listen to the gut instincts of your heart.
I don't mean to 'harp' on this, and I hope it doesn't come accross that way; however, I've met soooo very many moms who 'changed their mind' after the baby was born - yet felt obligated to "go through with it". This especially happens when the mom selects the aparetns & she then feels like she "has to" give them her baby - that changing her mind would be "too hard on them."
The reality is that not keeping your baby is much harder on you and your child. They'll get over it. Couples who have a mom change her mind often find another baby in less than a year. So don't let THEIR NEED become your responsibility.
Did you know that the human body produces a chemical that literally generates a "more giving and more generous feeling" after the birth of a child? Adoption takes advantage of that natural occurance and misuses it in their advantage.
Don't disregard your hearts' cry to keep your baby. Your post has doubt about placing - don't dismiss that doubt, listen to it.
I am glad that you are using the internet to find more information. There was no internet 16 years ago when I was 'deciding.'
The only information available was what I got from the agency & the uninformed very bad advice (didnt know it at the time though) from a counselor I went to who was not associated w/ the adoption agency.
Here is an article that I think will help you think through things and maybe answer questions or concerns you'd have ... http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pdf
I wish all expectant moms would have this information. I'm glad that you're looking and researching, and that you're undecided.
I'm sorry Jeni's response was so brash. Yes, her and I are friends and I know more of the story of why she responded this way, but you aren't aware of that. I hope that you'll be able to hear her message behind the words - even though it was said in what could be read as a very hurtful way.
cheerio
ps: you know where to find me if you wanna chat
and no, I was not a teenager when I got pregnant either
Wow. I'm blown away by how many people are already telling you how to feel. As I've so recently written, respecting human life begins with respecting humans. So far, in the comments on this post, it doesn't look like there's been much vocalized respect for you or your process. I hope you can take me seriously when I say this:
ReplyDeleteListen to yourself. By the time your little one sees daylight and can breathe you'll have all the information you need to make your decision. Until that time everything else is research, planning, and preparation. You alone will know what is right for you, because no one can hear you as clearly as you can.
I hope you'll forgive my bias, but I am FURIOUS with the women who have taken out their pain on you. Clearly they've had very painful and difficult experiences that lead them to where they are. I wish they hadn't recreated a fragment of that painful experience for you.