I'm at an early stage in this and it's really hard to step outside my own bubble. The last few days have been particularly rough, since I got a book in the mail from IAC called "Dear Birthmother" and I've spent most of the time since reading it and bawling. I want to respond directly to the people I've severely annoyed, but it's probs best to let them be. I don't think they'll ever see my point of view because they've never been me, and I won't see theirs for the same reason. But on the unlikely off-chance that they see this, I want to say I'm sorry. I don't mean to be blind to the pain of adoptees. I only know my own, and in my pain I lashed out against somebody I didn't know who I perceived as being unfair. Her words hurt me very much. But it's her blog; she can write what she wants on it. I guess I just take exception to all birthmothers being called cold, unfeeling bitches for considering placing their children up for adoption. I'm not a bad person. I'm just a scared girl who doesn't know what to do. I would have gotten a lot less grief, from everybody in my life, if I had just gotten an abortion.
But that is so unbelievably not an option. I was talkin to Max Power and we were joking about something sex-related... probably me saying I totally would have stopped talking to him if he hadn't been so dynamite in the sack, or something else immature. And he said, well, you sure woulda been a lot less pregnant. Then we both got quiet. "I wouldn't change it," I said. "Me neither," he said.
We love this baby. Doesn't that count for anything? We will never stop loving him. But we have no money, nowhere to live, no jobs or insurance. We both have had nasty drug habits (although it's amazing how cold turkey you can quit when you get pregnant). Most importantly, even put together we don't have a lick of sense. But that doesn't make me WANT to give him up.
I've been reading the fabulous Mei-Ling's reunion archives for the past day or so and they've been blowing my mind. Feeling torn between two families, two cultures, and two potential ways of being is just the most intensely crazy thing I've ever heard. I don't want that to happen to my baby. I don't want 20 years to go by without him seeing my face or hearing my name. Well, more than that I don't want 20 years to go by without seeing his face or hearing his name, but whatever. It's not about me.
All I want to say is that, I haven't made a concrete decision to go for adoption. But I was sitting on my bed reading "Dear Birthmother" and talking to Max Power about feeling sad, and he looked at me and said "I know it's terrible, but you know we can't keep this baby." I didn't really know what to say. You're right? Fuck you, it's my baby, get the fuck out? Both thoughts were weighed equally in my mind and jammed into each other on the way out of my mouth. So I was just quiet.
Doctor's appt on Thursday. I'll know the sex for sure, hopefully, and I should get to hear his heartbeat.
There's a book I read that I think you can get used for super cheap on amazon called Bitter Fruit; it has interviews with women who had crisis pregnancies and chose abortion, adoption, or to parent, and you know what? Every decision is hard, and they all have crappy parts. I tend to avoid adoptee blogs because I feel crushing guilt, but I think it's important to remember that they ain't you, and they ain't where you are. Maybe you'll parent, maybe you'll place the kid--if you place him/her, maybe the adoption will be open and maybe it'll close. Any way it goes, there will be good parts and crappy parts. If I can be of any help, lemme know.
ReplyDeleteIf you should be reading anything, it IS the adoptee blogs. Too many people like to dismiss them but remember that is the same as dismissing your own child's feeling because no one can ever understand what it is like to be adopted unless they were adopted themselves.
ReplyDeleteIf your boyfriend doesn't want to keep this baby then that's up to him, not you and it doesn't mean YOU don't have to. Plenty of women have moved on and parented on their own. Yes, its HARD work but nothing like being without your baby.
As for your drug habit, you now have a choice to make... you can use this situation to step up and quit forever. There is help out there for women who want to stay clean and you have that opportunity. This is your life, take charge, don't waste it with drugs and a broken heart.
I know you love your baby... its impossible not to when you feel that little life growing inside you, knowing they are a part of you. Feel free to email me if you need to.
BTW Lia, I don't want to tell you what you have to do and I sincerely apologise if it comes across that way. I know it must be hard enough with everything else right now. My main concern is that you make a decision without having heard the two main voices in adoption and you live a half life subsequently and the affect it will have on your child.
ReplyDeleteSending love,
Myst
I have been where you are. Well not exactly where you are but close. I'm not going to tell you what to do. You are probably getting enough of that right now. I am going to suggest some things I wish I had done. The one thing in my life that I regret the most is calling IAC. It started a chain of events that I was powerless to stop. They are very good at what they do and I didn't see it until too late.Please be careful when dealing with them. They didn't even bother to tell me open adoptions are not legally inforcable. All those visits I was promised were a lie/
ReplyDeletePlease consider making a parenting plan. That way if you change your mind for any reason you something in place. It can never hurt to be prepared. You have a lot more to offer your baby than you think.
Read everything you can find about adoptees and first moms. Make sure they are not working with an agency.
Don't make any decisions yet. You are highly stressed and hormonal. Making life altering decisions is not the best idea yet. Take your time and explore all your options.
I'm not sure which IAC youcontacted but find put all the laws in your state. I can help you if you need. Know your rights. Do not trust adoption workers to tell you. Try to find women that used the agency and ask for their experiences.
And throw away that book. Its all written to get you to relinquish. Its basically propoganda. Its designed to make you cry. Its supposed to make you feel that the only way to prove you love you baby is to sign those papers.
This group can help with making a parenting plan and overcoming parenting obstacles without pressure.
www.connections-usa.com/forum
Hi Lia, thanks for being so honest in your post.It seems to me that if you say you don't have a lick of sense between you it means you actually do, otherwise you wouldn't know to say it.Get me? That you're off the funny stuff is a great start and shows a commitment to your baby and your pregnancy, a responsible commitment.You are also going through your pre-natal care, another commitment and a resonsible move.
ReplyDeleteIf you're off the drugs you'll have more money right? Despite the views in your country that it costs heaps to have a baby, it can be done inexpensively if you don't have to have everything new,expensive, shiny bright.Babies don't know or care if they're in a second-hand cot all they know is the love and care of their mother.
It will be very hard for you to keep your perspective and make a wise decision on this one because you'll be battered from all sides with opinions and advice, by adopters wanting to get their hands on your 'domestic baby' for adoption and by adoptees like me who know what it is to be adopted.
I'm a senior adoptee, much older than most bloggers you'll find and I've worked with adoptees looking for reunion with their mothers.I know the heartbreak, the anger, the loss and damage.I know what my own mother went through all her life, before and after reunion.
Keep a cool head if you can, don't let the pressure get to you and weigh it up as carefully as you can..your feelings and instincts count too in your decision but you still have plenty of time to make a good one, whatever it has to be.Don't let anyone guilt you into anything.
Parenting sometimes isn't easy, but it has many, many rewards and changes your life;adoption for adoptees and mothers is generally full of regrets, pain and hardship.The adoption of a baby like yours would be like winning the lottery for adopters; there are many desperate and needy people out there, not all of them will make good parents.
That's the truth of it.If you're brave enough have a look at my blog, it is confronting but it is the truth.The best way we make decisions is by learning the full story so we have something to weigh up.
Very best wishes, my email address is on my profile if you just want to bat some ideas around any time,
good luck,
Von
Lia,
ReplyDeleteI saw your comment on my blog, so I came over to see what you're about. All I can do right now is sigh. I am so sad for you and your baby. I would love to answer your questions, but I don't think it matters. I am not sure what to tell you, because I do not think the truth is what you want to hear. If you want me to tell you all the 'mistakes' my birthmom made so you can be different...I will have no part in that. I just can't. Your baby will always want you. ALWAYS. I stand by my fellow adoptees and second all of their comments they have made in response to you and your posts. Obviously, this is a decision that only you can make. Your sweet baby did not ask to be brought into this world. YOU made that choice for him/her. In my opinion, giving your baby away is not some ultimate sacrifice of love that you get to pat yourself on the back for. ALL your child needs is YOUR love,and if what you have said on your blog is true, it sounds like you have plenty to give.
Dear Lia,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to add my voice to the rest. I am an adoptee and I know you are feeling pain right now. You say you don't want twenty years to pass before seeing your child again, and that you don't want your child to feel torn between two worlds, cultures and families. There is a VERY real ossibility that will happen. Trust me.
Please don't let your boyfriend or anyone else talk you into giving away your child. The pain just gets worse, and not just for you. For the child as well.
You've already quit drugs, you can do the rest! And yes, I think you should have told Max fuck you.
@Lia, ((hugs)), you are not an idiot. I am a 25-year-old reunited Adult Adoptee of a private, domestic, infant adoption. I won't tell you what to do but I can say in-general that I really and truly believe in preserving Original Families. I had a positive childhood (for the most part, no childhood is free from drama is it?) and have a good relationship with both my Adoptive and First Mothers/Families. However, good parenting and love do not make up for the losses I have received from being adopted nor the unique context of life I live. Adoption has an impact on all parties involved. It is important that an expectant mother considering adoption understands how adoption will impact not only her but her baby as well. I echo the advice from others, please be well informed before making a decision like this--informed from a source that can be trusted and doesn't receive its support from adoption fees or entities who receive their support from adoption fees.
ReplyDelete@Susiebook, While some adoptees (and any person in-general) can be over-the-top nasty, a huge, huge, huge part of the adoptee subculture is the silence--the absolute crippling silence where we know if we speak, we will either(1) hurt the feelings of either set of parents or (2) be greeted with hurtful stereotypes. We will not know the realities of adoption unless those who have lived adoption arrangements made on their behalf start speaking about how it has made them feel. Many adoptees know all-too-well what she is experiencing. It is not uncommon for an adopted person to also lose their own children to adoption.
Lia, if you love this baby, as you say you do, you CAN raise him or her. Yes, it takes sacrifice. No, it won't be easy. But I think you may be more optimistic about being a part of your kid's life than you may find to be the case post-adoption. You will not have the same intimate mother-child relationship that you will if you parent. You'll be a name, possibly a friend, but probably one held at arm's length. Maybe it will be different, but it's important not to have stars in your eyes about what adoption means. Open adoptions are notoriously not open; it depends on the goodwill of others, namely the aparents and the judge. You will have no say in this after you sign your termination of parental rights.
ReplyDeleteYou won't be part of your own child's everyday family. You're not going to live with him or her. It's unlikely she or he will spend weekends with you. You'll miss major milestones.
Don't buy into the old myth, "If you really love the child, you'll give him (or her) away to a nice, two-parent family, complete with pool and pony and big back yard." Your child needs YOU.
I have a friend who had her first kid at 19. She kept her and raised her as a single mom. It was really hard. She went on government assistance, and her family pretty much disowned her. But she loved her daughter enough to keep the commitment she made to her when she found out she was pregnant and opted against abortion. This same friend put herself through college, has two Bachelor's degrees now, and a great job as an ICU RN. She found another guy, the love of her life, when her daughter was two. They're very happily married and have two other daughters together.
This same friend puts herself down sometimes, for making bad choices. I tell her that she made the best, most admirable choice, in keeping her daughter. I was in the same position (pregnant unexpectedly) when I was 17, but opted for an abortion. I did what was right for me, but I always tell my friend that I took the easy way out. Adoption is basically another form of birth control; it helps YOU, not your child.
You have to do what's right for you, but if you want this baby, you really can find support to parent. Please, please consider this option. Come up with a parenting plan. Ask for advice and help. You can change your mind at any time before you sign the papers. Talk to other first mothers (I hate the term "birthmother"). Have you checked out the Birth Mother First Mother Forum?
For the record, I am an adoptee. I am another one of those who grew up feeling that I was missing out on something very important in my life: my first family. I have fantastic adoptive parents who love me unconditionally and have supported me enthusiastically all the way. But their love cannot erase what I've lost to adoption.
hey Lia -
ReplyDeleteare you overwhelmed yet? welcome to the world of blogging & commenting.
IAC's "Dear Birthmother" 'book' (ugh, so gross on so many levels), but don't let me digress here.
right now, it IS about you. don't kid yourself. and that's ok.
hang in there, Lia.
Hi Lia,
ReplyDeleteI placed my baby girl for adoption when I was 19 and a sophomore in college. If you ever want to ask me any questions about my experience, I'm at sturdyblogger@gmail.com
((HUGS)))
Leigh
Hello, Lia...
ReplyDeleteI typed out a reply last week after you left a comment on my blog - and then lost my connection and couldn't get it working again for awhile...
I did not read all the replies here -
but I did read the prior posts
Please feel free to e-mail me (my e-mail address is on my profile)... would love to talk more....
some things you said in this thread ...
"We love this baby. Doesn't that count for anything? We will never stop loving him."
Watch the movie The Pursuit of Happyness. What you see in that movie is .... Love IS ENOUGH! The scene where the father and son were in a shelter and the dad was apologizing, and the boy basically said "everythings fine as long as we're still together".
And that's what it boils down to, our children WANT to be with us. You said "It's not about me." Just don't forget that your baby already loves you and can't wait to see your face in a few months. And just like the little boy in Happyness movie, that's what you're baby will want too - is you. So, yes! it IS about YOU!!!
Your post ended with him telling you "I know it's terrible, but you know we can't keep this baby." Other than money, why? why does he think you can't keep your baby, just because he doubts himself? (doubting is a very normal thing, even for planned pregnancies too)
I hope you'll e-mail me, there is so much we could talk about ... your post is so full of doubt, which I am totally glad to hear. Why? Because I was a stubborn mule and made my mind up before my son was born & that was a foolish thing to do & I suffer each and every day for it.
Senging warm thoughts...
I'm going to go find the other thread I started the comment on last week and reply there.
{{hugs}}
Oh, and NO, you are NOT an idiot!!!
I'm sure someone else has said this but adoption really is a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. You have many resources and options other than giving your child away to people you barely know. Even kinship care is better than that.
ReplyDeleteYou sound like an intelligent person so do your research. Research the realities of "open adoption" and the fact that it is not legally binding in most states. Research what it is like to grow up adopted. And please do research assistance that is available that may help you actually raise your child if that is what you wish.
You could spend hours getting caught up in other people's infertility problems and read all kind of books that make you cry but the reality is that your pregnancy should not be about solving an infertile couple's problems.
Your concern should be about you and your baby. Period.
Adoption is not something one should go into lightly and it is irrevocable.
That's all I think anybody here is saying.
Oh and Susiebook...you are raising an adoptee but you don't want to hear an adoptee's perspective?
ReplyDeleteWhy?
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteAs long as you get that only you can make the right decision for you and your baby, you're doing fine! I don't know that I totally got that until it was too late for me.
ReplyDeleteLia, I came across your blog and couldn't help but comment. I know you are getting a lot of advice and this is a very real, very hard decision only you can make. I don't want to add any more weight to your shoulders because I have been there, but I wanted you to know that I placed my son for adoption 18 years ago and I felt nothing but sorrow and sadness. I went the adoption route because I was only 16 years old when I got pregnant. I have always stood by my decision and said that I don't regret what I did because it made me and my son who we are today, but there is nothing worse than hearing my son say to me "I always felt like I didn't fit into my family growing up and like I was treated differently than my other siblings". That broke my heart. AND he was raised by phenomenal people! I think either choice is hard for different reasons, but placing your child for adoption has lasting grief and loss for both you and your child. Knowing what I know now, I wish someone in my position would have spoken to me frankly like this and warned me so I could've made a more informed decision. I was definitely young and niave.
ReplyDelete@BethGo: No, I'm not raising an adoptee. I placed a child, and while I'm interested in hearing his perspective, for me that doesn't translate into reading adoptee blogs.
ReplyDeleteEven though I've been reunited with my daughter that I was forced to put up for adoption when I was 15, and even though we have a great relationship, putting her up for adoption has and always will be my only life regret.
ReplyDelete@susiebook: So you're interested in hearing your natural son's perspective..unless he is coming from the perspective of the adoptees that you disagree with?
ReplyDeleteJust trying to clarify.
Nope, just his perspective whatever it is--I'm not willing to assume that any other adoptees speak for him, whatever their positions.
ReplyDeleteI actually appreciate your insight susiebook. Sounds healthy to me.
ReplyDeleteSorry I confused you as an aparent. Thanks for clearing it up.
Lia,
ReplyDeleteThe loss of my son, who will turn 21 on July 5th, is the biggest, most enormous regret of my life. I spend each day wishing for a time machine that would take me back to the hospital and would ensure that I walked out the door with him in my arms. The loss of him reverberates thru every single aspect of my life. Please contact me if you wish, we can talk and I can help you find a list of resources in your area that will help you keep and raise your child. Both of you deserve nothing less than each other.
Denise
d_lo@sympatico.ca
Hello there. I was alerted to your blog via Myst's. I'm an adoptee, and I would like to encourage you to consider keeping your baby. I don't know your whole story, and I don't know you, personally. But I do know what it's like to go through life without knowing anything about yourself or your natural heritage. It's tough. And I do feel for all the adoptees out there.
ReplyDeleteAs cliched as this is going to sound, although I'm sure life must seem really difficult right now, there are options. Adoption should be an extremely last resort, because I believe and feel that it's not entirely natural to give up your child to strangers. And that's who you'll be giving your child to: strangers. Although I love my family very much, they were strangers to me, once. And I yearn to find out about my biological family and heritage. It can be a real pain sometimes, being adopted. And as emo as it sounds, I actually wouldn't wish it on any child. I think the link between natural mother and child is seriously underrated and has a huge impact on all our lives.
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I'm just letting you know that there are options and support out there. You don't need to give your child to strangers, regardless of how much they want a baby. That's not your responsibility and you should be free to hold onto YOUR child.
Lia,
ReplyDeleteI'm an adoptive mother. I love both my children's birth families very much. I begin and end every single day overfull with joy and awe about my kids.
That being said, I hope you love yourself and your unborn child enough to trust your gut. You are fully capable of making your own decisions.
Please don't let ANYONE talk you into placing your child for adoption if you don't feel 100% right about it.
Please don't let ANYONE talk you into raising your child if you don't feel 100% right about it.
You are the ONLY one living your life. No one but you will experience the impact of your decisions at the deepest level of being. Your child's experience, although certainly profound, will be hers or his, not yours.
The only reason I can see for moving forward with adoption is that you believe it's what YOU want to do... because you don't have the support (financial, emotional, physical, social, etc.) to parent, or you truly don't want to parent, or you have some fundamental deficit(s) that render you unable to parent... whatever the reason(s)... adoption is what you want to do and you believe you will be comfortable and confident explaining your decision to your child some years down the road.
The only reason I can see for moving forward with parenting is that you believe it's what YOU want to do... because you want it more than you've ever wanted anything else, or you feel obliged to the child you created, or you are ready to shift the particulars of your life as they need to be shifted to give your child the safe, loving, affirming adventure of a healthy childhood, or you believe that severing the native bond would cause more harm than good, and you believe you will be comfortable and confident explaining your decision to your child some years down the road.
Please don't buy into the propaganda either pro- or con-adoption. Adoption causes pain. It is a tremendous loss that causes lifelong suffering. Adoption creates joy. It is a glorious joining that fosters deep love. Adoption is all those things and more. It is different for everyone.
So is parenting. Parenting causes pain and suffering, joy and deepest love. You are the only one who can make this decision. If you listen to your own heart, at least you will always know that you chose as well as you could. And sometimes that knowledge is all we're left with.
Keeping you close in thought and prayer, Lia.
Lia...
ReplyDeleteI could have been Juno too....and I am what happens to Juno 23 years later.
And this is what you have in store if you choose to relinquish: http://www.musingsofthelame.com/2009/06/learning-to-ride-waves-birthmother.html
Please come read at my blog.. it was written for you so you will know what to do.