ANYWHO, the doctor yesterday was nuts. My friend Drew came with me for moral support, and my doctor (Cory something or other) was super awesome. She dealt very well with me, she was funny and relatable and I really like her. I'm getting an ultrasound next week (booo I wanna know the sex already) but I heard the heartbeat and it just floored me. Dr. Cory says I'm 16 weeks along, and she said not to get my hopes up about the heartbeat, but when she put the stethoscope on my belly it came through super loud and clear. I looked at Drew and her face was priceless. I don't think she believed I was pregnant until that moment. We both sat there in dumb shock for a little while. Then I took out my phone and recorded about 5 seconds of it, so I could play it for Max Power (who tried so hard to be there, but he had a test and he had to move into his new apartment and he lives an hour away - poor guy beat himself up so much over it). I'm with him this weekend so I played it for him and he just couldn't believe it. It was pretty special. Here it is (I just have to share!):
The heartbeat was hovering around 150, and an old wive's tale says that if the heartbeat is above 140 it's a girl. I just don't know what to think now! I wanna know!
Alright, that's all I got. Thank you all for your love and prayers. It means the world to me. I will leave you with this Family Guy video that perfectly describes how I'm feeling these days.
I don't think anyone meant to tell you what to do. Just to give you support one way or another. No one wants to push you to make one decision or another that you'll regret, because they can't live your life for you.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, one reason I value keeping mommies and babies together is because I have never in my life met a mother who considered adoption, chose parenting, and then regreted it. I've never met a child who was loved that regretted being raised by his or her mother simply because she was poor.
I think that's what strikes me most about your story. In an ideal world, women would only surrender babies because they wanted to--not because they felt unworthy or unable to parent because of circumstances in their lives. I don't want you to feel less valuable to your child because of what material things you don't have. My mother felt that way when she was carrying me and it breaks my heart. If I could travel back in a time machine to her when she was pregnant and tell her just how incredibly valuable and irreplaceable she is, I would do it in a hearbeat.
When many of us see expectant mothers considering adoption and talking about all the things they don't have, it may be the closest thing to that time machine we have. And that's why we are so passionate. We care about our mothers, we care about our children, and we care about anyone who is in that vulnerable place,
Hey Lia,
ReplyDeleteI loved hearing all my kids' heartbeats for the first time... very special :) I can't say whether or not I recall if the old's wives tales were true or not through... I have two girls and one boy and their heartbeats all seemed about the same so it may or may not be.
I am thrilled your Dr is a good one, that is important and you definitely need to feel comfortable with someone who is going to hover down near your nether regions in a few months time LOL.
Like I said in my previous comments, I really wasn't trying to tell you what to do... I don't think anyone likes being told that and like you say, no one has lived in your exact shoes. We do however know what it is like on the other side and I had NO ONE who could give me that information (not sure if it would have prevented what happened to me though given it wasn't really a free choice but at least it would have prepared me) and I could have used the honesty.
Pregnancy is a mixed time of hormones, physical aches and pains and emotions. All anyone wants is to save you from years of pain. Everything looks so much clearer when you are pregnant... it all changes once you hold that precious bundle in your arms for the first time.
Enjoy your time with your little one. These are really special weeks.
All the best,
Myst
I guess my main reason for going on "the attack" were some of the comments you'd made to some adoptees that I'm friends with. When they hurt, I hurt. I think that coming from the point of view of an adoptee, it is a knee jerk reaction for us to say, "Don't do it...don't give up your child.." because who knows what would have happened had someone said that to our natural mothers, you know?
ReplyDeleteWhat a thrill! Glad to hear your baby is growing along as it should. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that your checkup went well. It is a relief to hear your baby's heartbeat and know he or she is alive in there. Was this the first time you'd been to the OB and heard the heartbeat?
ReplyDeleteAs for the old wives' tales regarding heart rate and sex, they're pretty much bunkum. Babies' heart rates go up and down all the time when they're moving around in utero. You heard one tiny little five-second blip. The heart rate could have been 130 the next 5 seconds, or 160.
I am a Labor and Delivery RN, and I am guessing that you'll be having the "big" ultrasound closer to 20 weeks. That's when you'll learn your baby's sex, if your baby obliges in terms of positioning. Lots of fun.
As far as advice and making a decision about your baby's future, of course it's all you and Max Power. I would still encourage you not to make a decision today; things change, you'll change, meeting your baby will be a tremendous moment in both of your lives. I agree wholeheartedly with Amanda and Christina that many adoptees wish our first mothers had had people there (like us and other first mothers) to tell them they could keep us. Everything in your posts is about you and your partner loving your baby and being glad about this pregnancy; you're not short on love, just cash and life experience. We just want you to know that if you choose to parent, there *is* support out there.
I just typed a huge, huge comment here and blogspot ate it all up because I wasn't logged in with the right blogging ID. Please excuse my brevity this time around.
ReplyDelete*sigh*
I'm the owner of the blog that was referred here a few posts ago. I could never encourage someone to give up their child even if it was the "right" thing to do because even in the worst circumstances where a mother feels the only choices are adoption and death - she will never get over the adoption either.
The people who are commenting here - they HAVE lost their children to adoption. If you do some blog searching, you'll find the voices of mothers who lost their children and are experiencing an open adoption or semi open adoption. The pain is not any less. The pain is just as agony-filled.
Perhaps, because they are so insistent that you do not give your child up, that leads you think you're an exception to the rule - it won't hurt as much, the open adoption could work out great, you'll eventually move on in a way that allows you to grieve and ultimately still be productive and happy.
Here's the thing: you could pick the most loving adoptive parents in the world with the best open adoption agreement ever, and maybe you'll end up visiting once a week EVERY year, and maybe you'll end up accompanying your child to family outings and be treated like an extended family member.
But you will never just be "mom." That's what adoption does. YOU will never be "mom" in the way you would have been if you place your child.
I know your potential placement is different. I know you're placing domestically (I think?) and I know you want to have an open adoption. But even in an open adoption you won't be "the" parent. You won't be parenting. You won't be "mothering." Your body will want to, but the legalities will override any emotional attachment and you will be expected to stand aside.
But you shouldn't have to. You are your child's mother.
I had the greatest adoptive mom ever. But there was one thing she failed at: being my biological mother. Well, of course she failed at it - people aren't exchangeable like that. Mothers belong with their children. I don't expect her to be like my biological mother, and vice versa.
The problem is when other people "expect" her role in my life is supposed to negate any and all feelings I have towards my biological mother - as if mothers are interchangeable. That is what adoption is about. Leading everyone to think an adoptive mom can replicate the biological mother, and wondering what went wrong when the adoptee (such as me) feels such a deep level of grief about her adoption.
What went wrong? Believing one role can replace another one.
Society won't allow you to grieve. They'll either say "You should have kept your legs closed" or "You did the greatest thing a mother could ever do." They're either praise you for making a "sacrifice" out of "love" or condemn you for having sex and being irresponsible enough to create a child in the first place.
You'll grieve, but it will be in isolation. You'll grieve, but you'll be told there is no reason for you to grieve. Adoption solves everything, so there is no reason to grieve, that child you'll place won't be your child anymore.
They're wrong. You will still feel like a mother. You will still long for your child.
If you still end up placing your child, well, get ready for the long years and the emotional hell of adoption.
- Mei-Ling
I just want to say I agree with everything the other commenters said. Noone wants to tell you what to do, or meant to. We just know what it's like on this side of the adoption experience.
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