For what it's worth, I find it extremely hurtful to be told I'm using adoption as a form of birth control. First of all, I used birth control. I was on the pill when I got pregnant. Second of all, if this was "birth control" I would have gotten an abortion. But whatever. I content myself in the knowledge that there are thousands of adoptees, birthmothers and adoptive parents out there that AREN'T outraged; after all, only those who feel very strongly take to the web (and rightly/understandably so). Everybody has a different reaction, I know. So why is everybody trying to assume mine? Or worse, telling me about this horrible pain I'm going to be in as if I should already know what that feels like? The whole point is that I CAN'T KNOW. And I've heard that a lot - the PAIN I can't POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND. And I GET IT. But if I can't possibly understand it, well... then how am I supposed to understand it? If it's incomparable, then there's NOTHING TO COMPARE IT TO. I've never had a child. How am I supposed to know? I'm going about this as best I can and trying to reach out to people, but I've never done this before. Please, please stop jumping down my throat for not knowing things I CAN'T POSSIBLY KNOW.
So if anybody reading this actually cares about me as they say, and isn't just trying to further their own agenda (which is just as detestable as what they claim my agenda is), I just have a question: adoption agencies. I heard IAC is crap from many of you and I'm starting to believe it. So where do I go? Any advice?
Good idea, everyone has their own agenda and it's your decision in the end.I've no help to give on agencies not being in America but please be very careful if you can.You're smart and will be able to tell what's best for you.
ReplyDeleteYou are upset at people for jumping down your throat at all this, and yet, isn't that what you did to some of the adoptees when you first began this blog? Adoptees who know the loss that your child will feel...
ReplyDeleteI don't have an agenda, as you put it. And frankly, my birth control comment was actually being directed at Campbell..but clearly it struck a nerve since you ranted about it in this post.
I only know good places on the West Coast--sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's really despicable to want babies to stay with their families of origin, whenever possible? How so?
ReplyDeleteCertainly, this is your decision. I have never said otherwise. It can't be easy; I chose differently when in your shoes, so that's all I know about being pregnant and not wanting to keep the baby. I have, however, lived 41 years as an adoptee, and I speak from that position. There are definitely many adoptees, first parents, and adoptive parents who think that the system is perfect, and are happy. But you can't be sure your child, or you, will be among their number.
As far as not being able to make a decision except by going through it, especially when others tell you that there's pain involved, is kind of like saying you need to be hit by a freight train in order to know standing on the tracks is dangerous. I think you're frustrated because you *have* decided to relinquish and want everyone out here to think you're done the right thing. That's just not going to happen; there are almost as many opinions as people. I do, however, believe that the first mothers and adoptees who have come here (some of whom you courted from their own blogs) sincerely want to help you. You are welcome to see that differently. It's an emotional subject for most in the triad.
I can't give you advice about agencies, but do be wary of all of them and get your own lawyer to look at all the fine print.
Hey! Please e-mail me and I will not be jumping down your throat, I promise. Please :)
ReplyDeletelisamruppert@yahoo.com
I would suggest this pamplet by Concerned United Birthparents: http://www.cubirthparents.org/edd/index.php?id=1. They list some other information resources there. Also, your rights, and the rights of your child, depend both on the state in which you give birth as well as the state in which you relinquish.
ReplyDeleteI did not realize you had already made your decision which is why many of us were making suggestions. I've read all of your posts and the comments on your posts and I honestly don't believe any of us were telling you what to do. If you feel we are intending to be insulting your inteligence and maturity by making suggestions, that is not the case at all. I am only a few years older than you myself. We feel that when women start the adoption process and go to lawyers and agencies, they are getting one-sided information. The rest of us have an extremely difficult time being heard which is why many of us have blogs.
You're at least the second person I've heard that has said that only the "outraged" in adoption take to the internet. You've actually tapped into a circle of sorts of the Adoption Reform Community. If you search more for adoption-related blogs, you will find that the "all adoption is wonderful" blogs outnumber ours by a long-shot (and most of those are by Adoptive Parents). Am I "outraged?" For the rights of mothers and children--absolutely. Shouldn't we all be?
"adult adoptees are actually the only persons who can tell us what it is like to live adoption in a society in which most people are not adopted." -- Child Welfare League of America
For every time I have been told "thank you for your opinion as someone who has lived adoption" I have been told "you're just angry, be quiet" a hundred (or more) times over.
You're right; good point. I remember how it felt to be pregnant and preparing to relinquish my baby, and how it feels now, actually living as a birthmother. There's no way to know. The best you can do is to try to mentally prepare yourself for grief (it may not come right away), and allow yourself to feel it. Later there will also be anger and regret. Find supportive people ahead of time who won't judge you for your sadness or say that you don't deserve to mourn. Choosing to relinquish a baby doesn't negate your connection to your baby. Whether voluntary or not, it's still a loss of a relationship.
ReplyDeleteIn your prior post, you wrote: "I feel like it might just be irresponsible of me to keep it, and not for all the ways the agency says it is (no money or job or future, etc)..." If the agency you went to is telling you shit like this, get out. If YOU feel it would be irresponsible, that's your beef, but these baby-brokers have no right telling you that. The adoptive father of my 2 children lost his job recently; does that make HIM an unfit parent? I'm sure the agency would never accuse him of that. You're a young, single, hormonal pregnant woman, which makes you vulnerable, but it doesn't mean you're stupid or deserve any less respect than any other parent.
Sadly I don't know of any list of ethical adoption agencies, because there aren't many out there. You could check ethica.com for a message board or forum for your state; someone on there might be able to help.
Dawn is an adoptive mother that I know through the blogging world. She was your first commentor on your first post. To me, she is living proof that there ARE adoptive parents out there who really do care about their children's first families. She might be a good source for advice or resources as well.
Empower yourself as much as you can ahead of time. While you are pregnant, you have all the power and all the attention. As soon as that baby is born, all the attention shifts from you to the baby, and no one gives a shit about you anymore. So use your power while you can to advocate for yourself. Educate yourself. Stand up for yourself and demand what you need.
ReplyDeleteInterview the agencies around you, don't let THEM interview YOU. If you feel pressured, get out. If you can find a place that calls you a "single mother" or "pregnant woman" and not "birthmother", you're doing well. Calling a pregnant woman a birthmother BEFORE she has finalized an adoption plan is coercive. Find a place that offers support for single mothers as well as post-adoption support. If you change your mind or feel hesitation when your baby is born, you need to have an agency that is advocating for YOU, not the adoptive couple.
Go to http://www.birthmothers.info/index.html to find examples of bad adoption counseling.
You may feel certain about your decision now. (I did.) It's true what they say: you will have to make your decision all over again when you are holding your baby in your arms. In order to have any sort of peace about relinquishment, it needs to be YOUR DECISION, both times. Don't let an agency worker or swooning a-parents pressure you. You're not messing up everyone's plans if you change your mind. You are not obligated to anyone but that baby, and that baby is biologically programmed to prefer YOU. I don't say this to change your mind, I say this to help you find peace with whichever decision you make. Pressure breeds resentment. The timeline of your hospital stay, placement, relinquishment, etc. needs to be on a schedule that works for YOU. Find an agency, or at least an adoption counselor, who understands this.
Have you considered the level of openness you want? Best advice I ever read was this: "Find a couple who desires MORE openness than you think you want now. That gives you room to change your mind later." (The book is called _The Open Adoption Experience_) Disclaimer: open adoption is not legally enforceable. Read here: http://www.keepyourbaby.com/open_adoption.html
In my experience, choosing the right couple to adopt your baby can trump a bad adoption agency/worker. Find people who have arrived at open adoption not out of desperation, but because they genuinely believe it is best for the child's emotional wellbeing. Sounds like you found some people you like. What sort of vibe do you get from them?
Shoot me an e-mail if you'd like. I am in town, and have some assvice from the other side of the coin, but a truly ethical agency
ReplyDeleteI had no agency until a month before delivery and to tell you the truth, they made everything worse. I had already found a family on my own, spent time with them before so I was SURE that they were the family I wanted my daughter to live with. Once my state found out I had gone a private route, even though all the rules and regulations had been followed, they stepped in, made me chose an agency, and the agency disregarded everything we did before they stepped in. Big, huge mess!
ReplyDeleteJana had great advice and leads, I would look at those. Keep researching your area and look for local adoption sites to get info. I also wanted to offer to visit my blog if you would like to know what life is like 20 years later. I have written a large part of my history, what I have had to deal with both from others and myself, and how I have come to live a happy, full life with a family of my own. Yep, I am one of the many women who find the journey rewarding for so many reasons. My adopted children are in contact with me, my daughter her whole life, and although it is not the normal close relationship kids have with parents ... well, it is a positive story. And just for the record, I also write about the injustices, the hard times, the awful times so I am not one sided, but I offer that voice so others dont's feel so alone in their journey. My point is that I really worked hard to keep in touch with my kids, if for nothing else just so they knew that I was making an effort to be there if they needed me ... for what ever reason.
It is an undeniably difficult life to live, but it all comes down to what you do with the life you are given that matters. You have the ability to make your adoption what you want it to be, don't let anyone tell you any different!
Wow, so many comments who claim to be "un-biased" but have less than subtle hints of disapproval for your decision to place your baby for adoption. I personally know many adoptive couples who already have and welcome open adoptions with their birthmothers. They want their child to know how much they were and ARE loved by their birth family and understand that this contact is necessary for the child to have a healthy identity rather than feeling they were abandoned or unwanted. They are out there, don't give up.
ReplyDeleteI found your blog from your comment on thehappiestsad. Hope you don't mind!
Just wanted to say thanks. Thanks for sharing your story, thanks for helping us understand how things are for expectant moms. And thanks for being smart enough to have your own opinion and not being swayed by either agencies, anti adoption critics or hopeful adoptive parents. I happen to be a hopeful adoptive parent. As I've told others, reading and learning about your experience and those of so many others will, I hope, make me a better mother and a better friend to the wonderful woman who has chosen us. Thanks again! :) I am wishing you lots of happiness and hope you have lots of support as you make your decision and after your adoption!
ReplyDelete