I laughed and said, "That's not a riddle, it's a joke. She kills her sister so he'll come to the funeral, duh." At which point Patrick was like omg, you're a sociopath, get out of my room.
Now in all fairness, that is a well-known riddle, and I'd probably heard it somewhere and forgotten it. But that experience seriously freaked me out. I've always felt like I've had an abscess of emotion inside me; that I'm overly self-serving and abrasive with little thought to sensitivity or the needs of others. Up until that point I just thought I was a huge bitch, but then I started to wonder, is there something actually wrong with me? A lack of ability to feel attachment, or love, or empathy? Though my therapist assured me that worrying about being a sociopath effectively means I am not one, I spent the next several weeks after that night with Patrick frantically asking everyone else that riddle (and NO ONE GOT IT RIGHT, which only served to freak me out more).
Which brings me to SVU, season 7, episode 14 ("Taboo" - I should really start narrating my life using SVU), which is about a girl, twice pregnant, who throws both of her newborn infants into the trash. People naturally go apeshit - how could a person do this, she must be insane, yadda yadda (and she totally was). Sometimes I feel like people are telling me that adoption is akin to throwing my baby in the trash. As if it would be better to keep it and yell at it and hit it and feed it broken glass than to give it away to awesome, loving people like T&V. I mean, c'mon. It doesn't ONLY need love. It needs, you know, the right kind of love.
Anyway, everybody's been saying to me all the time that seeing my baby will change me and I can never know what that feels like. But what if it doesn't feel like anything? What if I truly am a psychopath? What if there is that complete disconnect within me that makes me unable to feel? I am so unbelievably terrified of that. I mean seeing the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat were cool, but I wasn't like OMG BABY THAT I MUST KEEP OR MY LIFE WILL BE RUINED. I want my baby to be happy and healthy, and I want it to have love. What if I'm simply not capable of loving? What kind of baby deserves a sociopath for a mother? I feel like it might just be irresponsible of me to keep it, and not for all the ways the agency says it is (no money or job or future, etc), but because I might get bored and drown it in the bathtub for kicks. I simply don't know what I'm capable of - probably not infanticide, but probably not real love either. At least not the deep, abiding love I'm supposed to be capable of in order to adequately raise a child. So isn't the better thing to do to give it to people who aren't monsters?
But how do you know the people you give your child too AREN'T monsters?
ReplyDelete(Speaking as an adoptee who WAS given to monsters)
Aw crap..*to..not too.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I got that riddle right the first time I heard it, too--and my response was even worse--"Aww, she wanted to see him again!"
ReplyDeleteEven the fact that you're able to consider what this will be like for the kid or worry that you won't have the "normal" response to losing a baby is essentially a guarantee that you will, in fact, love the crap out of the baby once s/he arrives and feel incredible grief when and if you place. That's totally useless to hear ahead of time, I know, but I guess I'd rather say it and have it be useless than have you never hear it and not realize until after placement that nope, you are a woman like every other, and losing your child makes you feel like you're going to die.
Ideally (stupid word, but I can't think of a better one), if you place a child for adoption, it's because you either have no desire to ever parent a child in your life or because you absolutely cannot under any circumstances provide the bare necessities for the kid: you're addicted to hard drugs and not getting clean, or you don't have a safe place to sleep or any options to find one, or you can't feed yourself, much less a child, or something equally dire. You are the only person on the whole internet who can tell what the right decision is for you and your baby, but if you want to parent, there is almost always a way--and people willing to help you find it.
I know this comment sounds pro-parenting, and I don't want to sound unbalanced; but c;mon, you're not going to feed the baby garbage or get bored with it and leave it at the park for strangers to find. Most pregnant ladies worry about what kind of moms they will/would make, but the overwhelming majority go on to be loving parents. If you really don't want to parent, you shouldn't (in my opinion). But if you do, there are ways to work the rest of it out.
Lia, I don't know if you're a sociopath or not. Probably not, b/c a sociopath wouldn't be concerned about their feelings for their child. But whether or not you are, you may also be one of the women that freak people out b/c you don't fit neatly into the categories we construct to make sense of our often chaotic world.
ReplyDeleteYou don't
Sorry... Computer freaked out.
ReplyDeleteSome women just don't feel maternal. It's not necessarily pathological, but a lot of people are uncomfortable with it, either because it seems unnatural (to them) or because they believe your feelings will change later.
What I'm trying to say is that your feelings
May be perfectly "normal" for YOU. You may nt want to parent your child simply encase you don't want to. That doesn't make you cruel or cold or pathological; it makes you different than the no, that's all.
I so hope that the potential adoptive parents of your child agree that you will be the onw to decide after tour baby is born.
Damn this keyboard! I hope you trust your gut.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you need to talk to someone who knows, not just someone who is playing about, or listening to your own thoughts, or finding reasons to justify adoption.Preganancy gives us these thoughts it's part of the hormonal thing and yes adoption is trash but so is being raised by inadequate parents.
ReplyDeleteSeeing your baby will change you and then you can judge what is best.You need some real advice not biased crap from those who want your baby or those who want you to keep him/her.
Ps I got the 'riddle' immediately too, it's shows you're smart. Anyway what is someone doing playing these psychological games with friends, a tiny bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing in the wrong hands, I'd get a new friend.
ReplyDeleteOkay. More "biased crap" here.
ReplyDeleteEvery parent has doubts. I have two young boys and I still have doubts on a daily basis about whether I am a fit parent. But my sons are MY kids, and it's my job to do the best I can do for them. I say this not because I am an adoptee, but because that's the job of a parent.
You seem to be looking for people to agree with you that an established two-parent household is by definition better than that headed by a young, single mother. I can't, and I won't. I think your kid is better off with you because it's YOUR kid. Giving him or her away, even to a NICE couple with money and private planes and islands in the Caribbean, and who would provide the love you say you don't have, would still leave your kid without the only person she needs. YOU.
Don't listen to what the agency says about you not being a fit parent, either. The agency is not there for you; it's there for the aparents. Seriously. It's a business transaction for them behind all the niceties. Moreover, you don't and can't know much beneath the surface of any potential adoptive parents. You see only the glossy, squeaky clean exterior. There are plenty of monsters out there, as many of my fellow adoptees, Christina included, can attest. Once you sign the papers, you won't really know, nor will you have recourse. But hey, it's your body, and your kid.
As I've said before, you don't need to make any decisions right now. Enjoy your pregnancy and see what happens. You can always sign on the dotted line later on, if that seems like the right thing to do.
"If you really don't want to parent, you shouldn't (in my opinion). But if you do, there are ways to work the rest of it out."
ReplyDeleteI think this is the best advice I've read here, so far.
Adoption should not be a form of birth control.
ReplyDeleteSorry, but that's my honest to goodness feeling.
I agree with Christina.
ReplyDeleteI also agree, and have said as much in earlier comments. Adoption shouldn't be about convenience.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a Sociopath :-) Sociopaths do not have feelings of being "terrified." They do not experience anxiety of anticipation of events in the future. Sociopaths are only 4% of people. They do not worry about the things you're worrying about.
ReplyDeleteWhat you're experiencing, is probably your smartness, unique sense of humor, all magnified by your hormones :-) I've been pregnant twice now and have actually felt the SAME way when I was pregnant. There were times where I was so emotionally drained that I felt like I had no emotions and no capacity to give anything to anyone. I was prepared for a baby, but even I would sit and wonder and even look at ultrasounds and wonder "what the hell kind of mother will I be? Can I do this???"
All pregnant women have parenting anxieties. For your first pregnancy/child, it is a road untraveled. You can't imagine how you could adapt or love a child so incredibly much because you haven't experienced that in life yet. This is why so many people will advise not to sign anything or make any firm plans (or have a back-up parenting plan) while you are still pregnant. Nature is an amazing thing and motherhood comes. I know it's hard to imagine it now, but it does.
Here's a NY Times blog article you might consider reading: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/09/fashion/09Love.html?pagewanted=2&_r=1&ref=adoptions
Adoption should not be about convenience? There is NOTHING "convenient" about it! Especially open adoption. Convenience would be an abortion. Or a closed adoption which won't "disrupt" the rest of your life.
ReplyDeleteOf course that's a lie; no woman ever stops thinking about the child she relinquishes - just ask any firstmother out there.
Open adoption is wanting the best for your child, feeling unready at the time, and yet committing to stay in touch with your child (as much as the adoptive parents allow it) in order to promote as much emotional health as possible in said child. It is ripping the wound open again and again.
I knew the answer to the riddle right away too, and I've never heard it before.
I was never sure I wanted children. I was not one of those girls who looooooved babies, or dreamt about my wedding. I hated babysitting. I also felt a level of disconnect from my first child. It wasn't until after I placed my son that I knew I wanted a child for myself.
Yes, if you decide to parent, the mothering feelings will come. But you're not a monster for choosing adoption.
Found you through Susie Book and enjoy reading your blog.....I especially LOVE the SVU references as it is my FAVOURITE show and I've seen the eposides you talk about!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jana... Our birth-mom (we adopted) didn't place her baby out of convenience, or because she couldn't make it work, or because she didn't love her... She placed her baby with us because she wanted her baby to have the best possible life and she didn't feel prepared to provide that. It was a completely selfless decision.
ReplyDeleteNow, the real reason I am commenting... Someone please tell me what the other answer to the riddle is?? Of course she killed her sister because she wanted to see him again. Why else? I don't see another reason and it's killing me... :)