Unsure what the balance held
I touch my belly overwhelmed
At what I have been chosen to perform
Then an angel came one day
Told me to kneel down and pray
For unto me a manchild would be born
Oh this crazy circumstance
I knew his life deserved a chance
But everybody told me to be smart
"Look at your career," they said
"Lauryn, baby, use your head"
But instead I chose to use my heart
Now the joy of my world is in Zion
How beautiful if nothing more
Just to wait at Zion's door
I've never been in love like this before
I will pray to keep you from
The perils that will surely come
See life for you my prince has just begun
Yeah, she has a kid named Zion, born to her as a single mom. I don't think very often about keeping the seabass, except when my anxiety about his future and welfare gets really bad and Max Power reminds me that we will do everything and anything we have to, even if we have to raise him ourselves (this is usually when I go all nuts about birth defects and whatnot). But he has faith we will find a wonderful adoptive couple and a lovely open adoption and blah blah blah. He's so damn sure - or at least he fakes it well for me. But see, the seabass has started kicking - usually late at night, when I'm alone - and, well, I've never been in love like this before. I worry constantly, every second of every day. I think Max Power is able to forget about it more easily.
So yeah, I'm at 20 weeks and I'm getting big. And I'm at that stage where I'm super pudgy but nobody would really pick me out as pregnant, which makes me sort of self conscious. I mean, I've embraced this pregnancy and I'm happy and excited most of the time; I kinda wanna share the exuberance with the world, instead of just looking like I had a huge lunch. Yeah, I know - a couple posts ago I talked about how uncomfortable I was with being congratulated. That's still true. It's complicated, okay?!??!?!
Anywhere, here's me being big and looking like Heidi at work:
Also, the cigarettes. Oh, the cigarettes. I was a smoker - fairly heavy, at times - and I quit cold turkey when I found out I was pregnant. I haven't slipped up at all (well, except for maybe standing a bit too close to my friends when they smoke, which they all do, in front of me and constantly). It's been two months and I would hurt anybody who wasn't the seabass for a cigarette. Seriously, I would hurt you. Yes, you. ALL OF YOU.
I am confident that you will make the best choice possible for the seabass - because it is obvious that you want what is best for him/her. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteA couple things:
ReplyDelete1) Fellow former smoker. *high five* Quitting sucks and is hard as hell. Picking up a new habit really helps. Maybe cough drops or deep breathing exercises so you still get the throat and lung stimulation. (deep breathing, according to Athena, felt like playing with the Visitor because he would directly respond)
2) "He's so damn sure - or at least he fakes it well for me" I think you knocked this one out of the park.
3) Response to your comment with further clarification it up in the comments section.
4) I'm glad you can let yourself have the good parts of pregnancy. There's a lot to enjoy even when there's a lot that's hard.
I love those kicks :-)
ReplyDeleteThis post made me smile for a lot of reasons: the kicking, the worry, the growing belly. It's the one time in a kid's life that he gets away with kicking someone else, and it's even ENDEARING! :) The worry, it never goes away, and that's okay - just part of being a mom.
ReplyDeleteThe growing belly part made me smile because I can relate -- you want everyone to know, but you don't want to have to TELL them. It would just be easier when they can look at you and know, but you'll still get some retarded questions.
Finally, bravo to you for quitting smoking! I can't even imagine! Hard habits are hard to break, and that you've quit cold turkey -- WOW! Honestly, that's inspiring to me. . . time for me to work on breaking my hard habits.
Hi, hanging in there well, onya!!!You're smart, please don't let yourself get tied up in anything you can't get out of.This is your future, your baby and his/her future and is for you to decide without complications and pressures.
ReplyDeleteLOVE me some Lauren Hill! I second the *high five* !! About whether he's sure or faking it, well it could be faking it well for you or good ole' faith. Either way *high five* to him too for support :)
ReplyDeleteAnd the belly's cute and enjoy your pregnancy :)
"I think Max Power is able to forget about it more easily."
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it when you said this. He is able to forget because he cannot feel the kicking. He cannot feel what you are going through. He is not connected to the same extent you are. Please be wary of this. It will not affect him the same way it will affect you because you are this baby's mama.
I was thinking back to when I was pregnant and getting bulldozed with pressure into placing my child and recall how the baby I was carrying and the baby they were all talking about, in my mind, were not the same person. My baby was safe inside me and no one could get her there so this other baby who was not part of me, not attached to me was somehow going to materialise out of thin air and everything would work out. I was so out of my mind with stress I had to compartmentalise and then it was easy to go along with whatever they said. It was the way I coped.
Anyway, when I held my baby girl for the first time and I realised this was the baby my daughter's adopters were trying to take, I was horrified and at that point called the whole thing off. Looking into your baby's eyes for the first time is like nothing else you will ever encounter. The love is stronger than anything you will ever encounter.
Its easy to "think with your head" but listening to your heart is the most important. What comes across as a sensible rational decision (placement) is what is projected by society... it doesn't make it necessarily right.
All I ask is that you take this time and just enjoy your precious baby. Don't force things to happen and please try not to wory yourself sick. Remember to breathe and take each day as it comes... you will find the days go quite quickly.
I loved being pregnant with my daughter. We were amazingly close. Growing a child is so very special. Enjoy.
And well done with the quitting!
Myst
20 weeks--surely your next ultrasound is coming up soon, yeah?
ReplyDeleteI love your hair in that picture. =)
I am glad you're enjoying your pregnancy! It's fine to want people to notice. It's exciting.
ReplyDeleteI am now singing that Iggy Pop song:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VrA75FtVCR8&feature=related
I can only find a Naruto video (my son used to love Naruto. He's over it now. Now he loves Fullmetal Alchemist).
I do miss the baby kicks and the baby rolls. Not the pap smears I told you about. I still have very strong sense memory of Noah in there rolling his way around. He was a pretty calm baby in utero and out. Madison (I hear) was NUTS in and she is NUTS out. Same with Roscoe. So if seabass is amenable to showing his/her goods at the next ultrasound, you'll tell us, right?
That song always made me feel sad because I didn't keep my baby. If I had known then what I knew now I would have worked harder to keep her and made adoption be the absolute last resort.
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and think...you are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI have never paid enough attention to the lyrics. Amazing, and perfect. Glad you are enjoying the parts of pregnancy that you can - there's nothing weird about that.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!
I loved just about every second of my pregnancy with Ladybug. In a way it was freeing for me to not have to worry about all that baby stuff that her parents would have to deal with. I could cuddle her (sort of), talk to her, sing to her and she was allllll mine. I didn't have to share. I treasured her and my growing belly. I didn't bother to tell most people that she was being placed for adoption. I didn't want to deal with the questions that inevitably would come. I just wanted to be a preggo chick for a while. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the attention. You are growing a whole person, after all!
ReplyDelete