"How? How will it be okay?" I say.
"I dunno," he says. "It's a mystery."
Then I hit him because cutesy Shakespeare in Love quotes do not solve anything, and say, "How come you're always so calm?"
"Because somebody has to be," he says. "And you have a lot more right to freak out than I do."
This never fails to calm me down. Unlike my parents, who always say those things can and might happen, and my sister, who rolls her eyes and maintains I should have gotten an abortion like a sensible person.
My family (like many of you guys) maintain that T&V backed out because they were uncomfortable with the level of openness Max Power and I wanted. I don't think that's true. For one, we had only discussed it vaguely; they took the lead in that conversation and I basically agreed with everything they said. I don't want an undue amount of openness - pictures and updates and the occasional visit (T&V said they would commit to an absolute minimum twice a year even when they move abroad, but wanted something more like once or twice a month if we were living in the same city) - but I do want the seabass to be able to decide for himself if/when/how much he wants to see us when he gets older. T&V agreed with that. But if it's true that the level of openness, or open adoption in general, had started to make them uncomfortable, well, let's add that to my laundry list of fears. My friend Drew said it's unlikely I'll ever find a couple that wants the same amount of openness that I do. That can't POSSIBLY be true - some of y'all have opener adoptions than I plan on having, and it works just fine.
Or does it? I can't help but think open adoption is some sort of new friends with benefits thing - you know, something that works on paper and that everyone starts off very excited about, but that fails miserably once human feelings get involved. There's always one party in a friends with benefits situation that ends up unhappy and one that ends up uncomfortable and guilty. I've tried to do it many times, and it always ends up a mess. Funnily enough, Max Power and I started out as friends with benefits, which was fine at first because he didn't want a relationship and I was already in one (I was doing a semester abroad, and we were taking a break). But things got complicated for various reasons, my boyfriend and I broke up, and I ended up pregnant. Now, for better or worse, we're family forever, and we're having a hard time navigating the romantic aspect of that. AKA: a mess.
I guess the ideal open adoption scenario is like a friends with benefits one that turns into a wonderful, beautiful and mutually fulfilling relationship. It always seems like one person goes into the arrangement hoping/thinking that could happen, while the other knows there isn't a shot in hell; but since they both ACT as though they want this other thing, lines of communication fall down or get crossed and everyone ends up unhappy.
I really don't want this to happen to me, Max Power, our baby and whatever adoptive couple we wind up with. I want this open adoption to blossom into a partnership, a family, kinda of like marrying the dude you starting off just hooking up with at your roommate's 21st birthday kegger. But is that even possible? Does that EVER happen? Even if the arrangement ends up being manageable or pleasant, are both parties ever fully satisfied? It's starting to seem like one side is going to have to settle for less than they wanted, and in this situation it's never the adoptive parents that have to do so. Waaaaaaaah, and also, waaaaaaah.
Feel free to ask me anything via email. ANYTHING. I will tell you the truth. I tell the truth on my blog, too, but I leave stuff out that's too sensitive to blog and I will tell you that stuff, too. Ask away. Ask the terrible personal questions that you are too polite to ask. I'll answer. Promise.
ReplyDeleteI am starting to realize that Madison is only SIX and that this whole thing likely will just get harder. It was hard when she was little because we were all figuring it out and it was hard when she got a little bigger because the more she figured out, the more she needed to process. And then Roscoe was born and that was hard. And I see that as it gets easier in some ways, it gets harder in others but it doesn't get harder in the ways I expected and it isn't easier in the ways I expected either.
I do know this: Relationship are difficult, period. Marriages, friendships, family and open adoption family. I mean, they're hard. And I do not know why some work and some fail and sometimes that terrifies me. What if I screw up everything???? What if we can't keep this up? This marriage or friendship or this open adoption? But worrying gets me nowhere so we keep on keeping on.
This shit is hard, yo.
First off, I think it must be a mom thing to say that "those things might happen" because I can EXPECT my mom to tell me to expect the worst and tell me what that is with every situation. Bugs the heck out of me! Sadly, I'm a mom, and will probably do the same thing -- vicious circle. . .
ReplyDeleteCan I just say that I love this post? Sounds weird, I know, but I love that you are writing your fears of open adoption from your side. It really made me think.
I, too, had fears about it from the other side looking in, but I now believe in it with all my heart. If I'm going to adopt, I want an open adoption, and that to me means open, honest, continual communication despite the number of picture, phone calls, visits, etc. that is decided upon. It means to me that the lines of communication are open so that if someone does feel uncomfortable or needs more or is hurt, that that the person can talk about it openly. Lofty dream? Probably, but I'm still hoping for it one day!
I think you started to hit on something. I think that open adoption is a "buzz word." It seems easier for hopeful adoptive parents to make promises than to keep them, that's why it's so important that both parties think about what they really want and expect and what they want the communication to be. I think you have to make it work, and it takes work. It seems like such a fine line, and so much trust in someone you might not know well at all. . .makes it hard to believe it's possible.
Sorry if I rambled, but truly loved this post!
And if someone disagrees with me, great! That's the only way the world changes.
It's very possible! And it can work. Ours works and we love it. It has become so much more than what was first asked for and for that I am forever grateful. It is hard in certain respects, due mostly to not wanting to hurt the other persons feelings, in our case. We had to learn to really trust each other and through that we love each other so much. Yes relationships in general are hard and take work, but why do we work on them? Because we love the other person. If there is love and respect then open adoption can work. I am not naive to think that things won't ever change, because they will, that's life. But I do believe that if the commitment is strong and both sides want what is best for the child then even thru changes there will still be love and respect and an open relationship. Communication is key. I want to hear how she hated us when Sam was first born. It's real and we get that. It didn't make us run, it made us love her more it made us trust in our relationship more. There are adoptive parents out there that are scared of the same exact thing birthparents are, the other side closing the adoption. I know we would be devastated if that were to happen. I don't think it will, thank god but I still fear it. If you are not getting what you want from the relationship, say so. I would want to know. I would never want my childs birthparent to have hurt feelings because of us. You are right, it will never be perfect because life is not perfect, but I think if you both truly want the same thing it can be really close. I know I am only speaking from my side as an adoptive mom, but Sam's birthmom has told me countless times, she feels the same way. BTW she's in Philly!! my heart is always in Philly!~Meghan
ReplyDeleteWell first of all, all children are eligible for health insurance via CHIP regardless of their parents' income--so you shouldn't have to worry about that :-)
ReplyDeleteI had pregnancy worries like that too. When I got pregnant with my son, I worried every single trimester that a healthy baby was too good to be true and something bad was going to happen. I drove myself crazy. Ultrasounds are amazing thing and you've already had a great one. If there's something wrong, they'll be able to detect it and probably could have detected it by now.
Lia, when you say that you want your child to decide for herself if/when/how much time to spend with you and Max Power, what if when she's older she decides that she'd rather live with YOU full time? How much say does a child really get? There's a lot of pressure on adoptees not to hurt the feelings of the adults around them.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting to hear from both first parents and adoptive parents in open adoption, and to see that there are people out there committed to keeping lines of communication patent. Success really depends on both sets of parents being on the same page and being honest, something that might not be truly tested at the beginning when everything is bright and shiny and new. I really liked what you said, Lia, about it being on a par with FWB situations, in which there is usually one person who will say what needs to be said to get their needs met at one particular moment.
I would argue that Meghan's situation--admirable though it may be--is the exception, rather than the rule.
I think finding the right adoptive couple can be like dating...sometimes you fall in love at first sight, but a lot of times you don't and have to keep looking for that right match even if it takes dating five of them to find it.
ReplyDeleteI am a firm believer that we control what comes in to our lives by our thoughts. If you think you won't find the right couple then you won't. If you concentrate on finding the right couple then you will. You have to think positively to get the outcome you desire.
I think a lot of times the reason the open adoptions fail is because it's easy for one party or the other to promise something before feelings get in the way and muddle things up. Your feelings will change once the baby is born, their feelings will change as well. The key to making it work is maintaining that open communication and compromise just like in any other relationship we have.
I have heard countless stories of adoptive mothers and their childrens' first mothers developing a relationship like really close best of friends. I think that can happen for you too if that is what you desire.
It's good to see some people with positive experiences chiming in. I'm sorry about the deflation of your plans with T&V. "That sucks" doesn't begin to cover it. Being honest about your fears, even when they're completely irrational, with yourself, Max Power, and the Seabass, is the fundamental basis that gives adoption a chance to work. The "warts and all" approach, it seems to me, is the only way it can work at all. But that's just my $0.02
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity have you considered talking with someone at Catholic Social Services? (Note: I'm not affiliated with CSS, but the adoption of my son was coordinated through them) It sounds a little scary if you aren't Catholic to check them out (at least it scared the hell out of me). But they're not a religious service. The name came from the large donations the Catholic Church gave them for the medical care they provide. They have one of the most progressive adoption programs in the country at the moment. It happens to include a LOT of free counseling, education, and information for the first-family. Also, at least in Michigan, they don't discriminate based on gender or sexual orientation. Also, in the adoptive parent screening and education, they strongly impress upon the adoptive parents how important openness in adoption is. It's bloody close to a "be open or get out" approach. I only mention this because having more options for families to place with may reduce some of your anxiety.
Unfortunately we are the exception to the rule, but it is possible.It is good that this is brought up. Not all adoptions work out well and that is why you have to be as educated as you can about all possibilities. Be honest with what you want, don't let the potential adoptive parents set the rules and you agree. Put your feelings, wants and needs out there and find someone who wants the same. This is your baby and you should get what you want, not agree to what the PAP's want. Ask a million questions, really try and see where their heads are in regards to openess. Talk about the future, because the baby will only be a baby for so long. He/she will grow up. What do they see happening when you or they have more children.Things like that.
ReplyDeleteIt does suck about having what you thought was going to be not work out, but I am so very happy it happened now. You would never want it to happen after the baby is born and they walked away. I really like what I AM said "the warts and all approach" so true. You want a family that doesn't just want your baby, they want you and Max power warts and all!!
I follow the blog of a first mother, Lorraine Dusky, and in today's post she talks about her own struggle with understanding what open adoption means for first mothers. If you're not familiar with her blog, you might find it interesting. http://www.firstmotherforum.com/
ReplyDeleteOkay, I know you can't stand me but I'll add my two cents anyway. There is no such thing really as an open adoption. It is a huge scam and its practise is actually fraudulent because there is no legal way of enforcing it and those promoting it KNOW this and still tell you it is all above board while lying through their teeth. Sadly this usually involves both the agencies and PAP's (prospective adoptive parents) who are aware of the situation and yet use it to their advantage.
ReplyDeleteFor every adopter who has kept the open adoption agreement, there are tons who haven't and have closed it within seconds of the adoption being sealed shut so you are more likely to have one of those than not. But they won't show any hesitancy in agreeing to everything up front so you won't know until it is too late. Sorry... I know you don't like hearing realities of others but this is what happens too often and it would be remiss of anyone not to tell you the truth even if you don't want to hear it.
I know it happens that APs close adoptions, but I guess hearing it stuns me over and over. I just can't see how they see that as being in their child's best interest. I have cried many tears, begged and pleaded to keep my adoption open. At placement, my daughter's first mother agreed to 3 visits a year, with us saying that was a bare minimum. She stopped calling, phone got shut off, moved, and stopped returning e-mails for much of our daughter's first year, and the second year began that way. Still I wrote monthly updates and sent tons of pictures, response or not. As DD approached 2, bmom started responding to my e-mails, and we scheduled a visit, which occurred one week after DD turned 2. It was great, she came to our home and stayed all day. We talked about our relationship and what we each wanted in the future. That was in April. We had another visit palnned for last week , but bmom did not come. I texted her today and we firmed up new plans. I trust that visit will happen. I know with all I have that bmom loves our girl. She told me that in the first 2 years it was just too hard, but that knowing my updates would always come, knowing DD was happy was enough then.
ReplyDeleteIn MY experience, that is my and the other APs in my friend group, the bparents are the ones who have backed out of the open adoption agreement. I know this may not be the norm, but it is my experience. 3 of my friends have not seen bparents since placement. 1 the bparents did not even meet them at the last minnute, and almost 3 years later have only answered 3 e-mails and have planned, but not shown for a visit.
Relationships are hard. Open adoption in particualr is a pretty unnatural relationship if you really look at it. While I love bmom and think she is an amazing person, with a lot to offer me (she is 4 years older with 2 decades of parenting experience), it is pretty unlikey we'd have met in other circles. Ok that is not entirely true because she is so much like my hubby that we think they may be literally related somewhere on the family tree. PR is not that big, LOL. My point is that it takes work, and the child should be at the heart of it. Do I wish I didn't have to work so hard at it? Yes. Is it worth it if my child gets her first mother in her life always? You betcha.
I am going to have to agree with Myst here. I am an adoptee who's adoption was supposed to be open, and it never really was. Let me break it down for you.
ReplyDeleteI was adopted by my aunt and uncle. You would think that that right there would guarantee I and my twin would have some interaction with our biological parents. this was not the case. They were kept away from us from the very beginning, and only when we were teens did my a parents try to bring them into our life, and even then, it was not a usual thing.
I also found out much later that my bio parents never received pictures, reports on how we were doing in school, or anything. They were effectively shut out of me and my twin brother's life. And this was a in the family adoption!
Please think long and hard about what you are doing. Open adoptions are not legally enforceable and there's a better chance of the a parents closing it, then leaving it open.
My advice to you is to look for an adoptive couple that already has an open adoption, then ask if you can connect with their other birthmother and find out from her how things really are. As an adoption caseworker I can tell you this is not an inappropriate request. If they have openness with their older child, they certainly aren't going to deprive another child from it without good reason.
ReplyDeleteHi! I found your blog through LeMira. I hope you don't mind me following along your adoption journey! :)
ReplyDeleteAudra, that is spectacular advise and I whole-heartedly agree. If I may be so bold, another option is to flat out, bluntly ask the AP's WHY they want an open adoption. It may be possible to tell if they're feeding a line of BS or if they're truly sincere.
Our experience with adoption is rather unusual. We adopted our now 2 year old son at 10 hours old and presently have no contact with his birthmother. BUT, before any judgement is passed, there are very serious reasons why OUR SON'S BIRTHMOTHER did NOT want contact afterward. We understand and support them, then and now. When/if she is able and ready to contact us, we've left multiple messages with our lawyer and her lawyer expressing our interest in open adoption, gave her our address and phone number and are waiting anxiously. Our experience has only strengthened our desire for an open adoption. As we examine the relationships that DO work between APS and Birthmothers (like Meghan and Ken and "B"), we see very clearly how it could be "if/when." And that is what we want.
We certainly understand no relationship is ever easy. Communication is often difficult, and adoption can cause alot of hurt and pain. What we've come to understand also, is that as adoptive parents, our responsibility is to respect our child's birthmother and their choices and keep the doors open so that if/when our child NEEDS their first parents, a healthy relationship can be cultivated with them. Our child deserves that...
Meghan and Ken have been amazing examples for us.
Hope that didn't come off too rambling and scatterbrained. :) It certainly isn't my intent to offend or hurt feelings.... or cause riots. :)
Audra has a great suggestion. And have you thought about placing with a family that has already adopted? You could even talk to their previous birth-mom and learn about the relationship.
ReplyDeleteThe agency we adopted through is an open adoption agency. Our caseworker said he won't approve a couple if they seem tentative about openness or unwilling. It's still a new thing, but a lot of us adopters WANT a relationship with the birth parents. We adore our birth-mom.