T&V called me today to tell me that after a long conversation, they decided that "we aren't a good match." I am blindsided and devastated. I just saw them on Sunday - we went out to dinner and had ice cream and some great conversations. We even started talking about visitation specifics and we were in complete agreement. We were going to have a big dinner party at my house on Saturday, with T&V and my parents and Max Power and his dad. We were all excited and nervous for it. My parents planned out a whole menu. It's all off now.
I know I should be glad that they told me now, instead of pretending everything was fine and then cutting off visitation. But I can't help but think - these people really want a baby, but not MY baby. What's so wrong with me?
anyway, I'm gonna go drown myself in self pity and ice cream.
Wow. That would sting, indeed.
ReplyDeleteDo you think it could be that T&V were not, in the end, as excited about the visitation as you were? That the complete agreement you saw was a front?
I know people have told you before about open adoptions not being legally enforceable. It's a sad truth. It was probably less about you and your baby than the situation that you say you would like to have with your baby's adoptive parents. If you don't mind my asking, what kind of visitation agreement are you hoping to strike?
They did you a favour! Could have been trouble down the track, this unenforceable open adoption has the power in the hands of those who shouldn't have it.Should be in your hands and watch out for the adoption vultures who will lure you into who knows what with innocent sounding questions.
ReplyDeleteThis roundabout you're on will not be easy and let downs are hard and disappointing sometimes.Choose well and hope you enjoyed the icecream.Chocolate?
I'm so sorry this happened! I can't even imagine how hard this is or how much it sucks. You deserve so much better! I agree with the other commenters - I think T & V were probably less excited about being open than they pretended to be. I can't imagine it was anything personal.
ReplyDeleteSomewhere out there is an amazing couple who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve, and who will want to have an open adoption. If there is anything I can do to help you, let me know!
They probably realized that any baby you birth will be smarter and better looking than they are and they were so intimidated that they had to go home and huddle in a corner weeping and they knew they just weren't good enough. Hear that? THEY are not good enough for YOU. Screw them.
ReplyDelete((hugs)), I know it hurts Lia but like you said, it's better that it happened now.
ReplyDeleteMost open adoptions involve the exchange of letters and pictures a couple of times per month through the agency as an intermediary. It's very rare to have an open adoption where you get to visit your child regularly. I feel like PAPs are often so blinded by their desire for a baby that they make excited agreements that they do not realize until after they take a baby home are so hard to handle. It's important that any Adoptive Parents you choose have the ability to keep the promises they make to you.
It's super important that PAPs are adopting for the right reasons and have the needs of a child foremost in their mind. An adopted child has unique needs, an identity outside of and in addition to the Adoptive Family, and has a need to know and be loved by their Original Family. Adoptive Parents NEED to be able to accept and handle that EVEN if it makes them uncomfortable because that's what is best for the child.
I would agree with Dawn, they weren't good enough for YOU.
((hugs))
If you want to chat sometime, email me septembergoodness@yahoo.com. I may actually live near you if you are in PA :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the pps. I am just glad they spared you now and did not "run off" with your baby. I have some real concerns about "matching" so early anyway, and PAPs treating a baby like it is theirs before birth, and I also feel that IAC encourages this (in their bible for PAPs it encourages PAPs to form a strong relationships with e-moms as early as possible, basically to guilt them into placing if they have doubts after birth, or "you may find yourself with no baby at all"- yikes unethical) May I ask if you were/are encouraged to deliver outside of NY or PA, both states that have a 30 day post surrender revocation period? If so, red flag. My best guess is that T&V are hoping for a baby from a more AP "friendly" state. I would love to chat with you- disclaimer I am and a-mom, but have already adopted and have no interest in your baby other that to support you! I have a great local agency that IMHO is the most ethical in the US. They highly discourage early matches, most are done post birth, and they highly discourage direct placements from the hospital as well, preferring interim care for the baby while the first parents take the time to make a post-birth decision.
ReplyDeleteI am sure you are feeling like a shit ball, but really FUCK T&V. I am really betting they got a "better offer" meaning a state with no revocation period and and shorter time till birth, and this has NOTHING to do with you. A-holes.
Can you see my e-mail when I comment?
Ugh, so sorry. LOVE what Dawn posted above ;). Wonder also if they were secretly hedging their bets between your baby and one that came along sooner or with more surety. whoknows? What we do know is that this is a blessing, regardless of how bad it feels. It is no reflection on you or your baby. Just them.
ReplyDeleteooops I meant per year* not per month
ReplyDeleteDitto what Dawn said.
ReplyDeleteYes, they did you a favor in the long run. More than that, they did your CHILD a favor in the long run. Someday you'll be grateful, but for now, you are entitled to all the ice cream you want.
Some PAPs rejected me because I had smoked like FOUR cigarettes before I knew I was pregnant. It made me secretly wish they would conceive their own baby with their own "perfect" genes, who would them be born with 11 fingers and a learning disability. SCREW THEM! Some people are control freaks.
I'm new to your blog but so impressed with your selflessness in looking at what you can and cannot offer your child. No options are easy but you'll know in your heart which one is right for you and your baby. I'm so sorry about T&V falling through. I agree with previous commenter’s that it's just probably because of their discomfort with the level of openness you want. Try not to take it personally, as hard as that is, and just remember that it was their problem in not agreeing on the terms you wanted. There are thousands and thousands of people in this country who desperately want to adopt a child and you will, without a doubt, find the "right" family for you who shares the same feelings about an open adoption. Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Michelle's (the other "Juno" blog). I want to tell you that I've read through your posts, and I admire your courage and ability to stand up to those who oppose your decisions. It takes a strong character to not sway and crack under such scrutiny!
ReplyDeleteIn regards to T&V "dumping" you, that must really SUCK. I'm sorry to hear that, but I echo the others -- at least you know NOW and not in a few months when it would be too late. I really wish you the best, and I hope you have some good support to go along with your ice cream!
P.S. Do you mind if I post a link to your blog on mine? I'm trying to educate my family and friends about the realities of adoption from all points of view.
Ss an adoptive parent myself, and someone who knows many other adoptive parents, let me assure that it really is them and not you!
ReplyDeleteIt's probably because you are so early in your pregnancy. That scares off a lot of prospective adoptive parents, Because anything could happen in the next 6-7 months. This is a scary and unsettling time for them as well and sometimes the fear overwhelms. Many strongly prefer someone who is further along in their pregnancy.
It just shows that they weren't the right ones for you!
And please do not let anyone tell you they know better than you, from either side. You deciding to place your child for adoption or not is your choice and no one else's. Please also remember that until the baby is born, you have had time to reconsider your choice and you sign the papers, it is your baby and no one else's.
And it is completely within your rights to keep your baby, even if there are prospective adoptive parents waiting right there. You are not obligated to go through with the adoption. They will be sad, and perhaps angry, but they will survive and move on. OK?
This is in no way a justification for T&V--because I agree, I think you're better off knowing now than later--however...
ReplyDeleteWe recently adopted and we were actually "picked" by two birth moms at the same time (same day). So of course, we had to tell one "no." And we'd been emailing both, so we had some form of relationship. It was heartbreaking to do. But I do know that the other mother has found a great couple for her baby (and to the genetic worriers out there... we picked the higher risk baby, actually--not all adoptive parents pick based on superficial things!). Anyway, my point is that there is a RIGHT couple out there for your baby. And T&V wasn't it. But you'll find them :)
Also--be very up front about your needs and wants (which it sounds like are), even after the baby's birth. If the couple isn't doing their part, I think you should remind them of what you discussed and wanted! They owe that to you.
Hi Lia,
ReplyDeleteI was just reading back on some of your older posts and this one really hit home. I've heard of this happening and not sure of the circumstances around why they'd change their mind, but I know it must have hurt. We've definitely been through it from the other side - the wondering "why not us?" made us crazy. We had a failed adoption last month (the expectant mom decided against placing after the baby was born) -- and that's even harder. So I agree with LeMira above - better to know early and move on. I know you'll find the perfect parents for your baby - a couple who have integrity and will honor the agreements you make together. That's just what honest people do. :)