I ventured up to rainy NYC this past Friday to see my brand spankin' new Spence-Chapin social worker. SW and I had a gay ol' time together. My wariness of this whole process made me pretty guarded and defensive (as did walking into the waiting area and seeing shelves full of children's books with titles like, "Does my Mommy love me?") but Spence-Chapin is great. SW spent most of our hour together reminding me constantly that I can change my mind at any point, and that over 2/3 of the women they work with end up parenting. She seemed very pleased by all my circumstances: Max Power is in the picture, my parents are supportive, and I've still got time. We talked about the services they offer - namely, boarding care, which was something I'd never heard of. For up to 30 days after the seabass is born, I can opt to have him placed in boarding care, where volunteers at the agency will look after him while letting me retain my parental rights. Then Max Power and I can visit him, and see what it's like to be away from him, before we sign anything.
Then she let me look at their prospective adoptive parents book, stressing over and over that it's not yet time for me to really be picking anybody. All the birthmom letters had a little grid on the back with the basic info for the couples (and single parents) I was looking at, which was super helpful. At a glance, I could see their ages, education levels, races, desired level of openness, planned religion for the seabass, and comfort level with prenatal drug exposure (something I worry about constantly). Also, it was pretty clear they all took a lot of time and care formatting their letters; SW told me they fret over fonts and papers and stuff for hours. I thought this was hilarious, since so many of them ended up using atrocious things like yellow paper and comic sans, and if they passed the grid test I couldn't help but start to judge them on that. And then, this couple jumped out at me. I'm not gonna say anything about them, for fear of jinxing myself, but I will say that they used normal paper, 12 pt Times New Roman font, and had excellent grammar.
The rest of my weekend was a rollercoaster. I went to Long Island to hang out with all of my friends from NYU, and brought Max Power with me. It sort of scares me how well he gets along with all of them. Sometimes, they'll take me aside and say, "Of all the guys you've brought home, we are SO GLAD it was THIS one who knocked you up." I suppose I deserve that - I have brought home many a weirdo, most of them 10+ years older than me.
When I catch sight of myself in reflective surfaces these days, I often can't believe it. I'm pretty recognizably pregnant. This has started me panicking, because as my father says, almost 100% of carried-to-term pregnancies tend to end in babies, and I have absolutely no idea how to prepare myself for the actual birth-giving. I don't know WHERE I'll be giving birth - New York seems likely, since I'm due December 14th and my finals don't start till the 17th. I don't know HOW I'm giving birth, except for the fact that I want the maximum legal limit of drugs available, and I'd like to avoid a C-section if at all possible. And I have absolutely no idea WHO I want there with me. As much as I love my parents, and as much as I normally rely on them, I hate discussing the pregnancy with them because this was not how it was supposed to happen. I've had a very hard time accepting my impending permanent adulthood, and I like to come home and feel like a little kid again when I'm with my family. Being pregnant is one of those things that really shoves you into adulthood; after all, what makes a grown person if not bringing other little people into the world? Sure, it would make me MUCH MORE of an adult if I was going to parent, but there's no use denying that my body is creating another life and that that is fucking weird. I like to joke that I want Max Power to be there so I can yell at him about how it's all his fault, but honestly for the sake of our sex life that might not be a great idea (and I just can't picture him telling me to breathe). Do I want the adoptive parents there? Gah, I simply do not know.
Funny exchange that now takes place between my sister and I quite constantly -
Her: Wanna go get some coffee?
Me: You know I can't have coffee, it's on the bad foods list you gave me! What kind of doctor are you?
(From the fabulous movie Waitress starring Kerri Russell and Nathan Fillion - or as I will always know him, Captain Malcolm Reynolds.)
I refuse to give up on my idea of getting a puppy after the seabass is born, so that I will have something to take care of in my grief. I know many a friend who credit their pets with getting them out of bed during bouts of depression, since they need to be fed and walked and loved and cared for. I know this may be a cop out, but I know myself when I get depressed (sadly, it's often, and chronic) and knowing what a risk I am for postpartum depression, I want to be armed with ideas on how to combat it. Spence-Chapin, luckily, offers very comprehensive post-birth counseling. Anyway, I want a BIG DOG that I can raise from a tiny little thing - sort of like a surrogate seabass, except not as creepy as that sounds. A German Shepherd or a St. Bernard, or something. But puppies like that are expensive, as Max Power reminds me, so I'll probably end up going to the pound. Unless, of course, I find adoptive parents willing to buy me a designer puppy - forget the ethics about puppy mills and human trafficking! I want my dog!
For inquiring minds: ULTRASOUND IS AUGUST 6TH! Don't worry, I will hastily post any information! I CAN'T WAIT!
Also, I now want all of these:
http://www.cafepress.com/+maternity_ts,191725404
http://www.cafepress.com/+maternity_dark_ts,258587720
http://www.cafepress.com/+not_responsible_maternity_ts,215813545
http://www.cafepress.com/+pregnant_with_boy_due_in_dece_maternity_ts,131960226
Seriously, this is what I spend my time doing.
*NO, I won't.
I am just SO GLAD that Spence-Chapin doesn't suck. I'd never though of the boarding care as a way to experience being away from the baby but that makes sense. And I've always thought I'd like to do that because I like the idea of being available to give a woman more space in her decision-making. But then my lack of interest in babies rears its ugly head and I go, "What in the heck are you thinking???"
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you found an agency that you like; that's so important. I'd never heard of boarding care. It sounds like they really want you to be sure about an adoption plan, and that you're doing it in YOUR time, not someone else's.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so the whole birth parent letter part made me laugh so hard! I remember trying to find the paper for ours, and my husband rolling his eyes at me. Now, our agency has all of their profiles online and is doing away with the paper ones. He's such a no-frills guy when it comes to things like that, and he HATES comic sans; he calls it the most over-used font in history. That grid idea is awesome. What a great way to see quickly and easily!
Oh, in the delivery room, find someone, anyone that you think will be supportive; meaning they can put up with you when you cry, when you yell, and when you're just plain fed up! Someone with a cool head; of course, that means no really cool passing out stories, but hey, it's worth it!
One more random tidbit, I always think of Firefly first when I see Nathan Fillion, too. LOVE that show, so sad that it was cut.
DUDE! You found the agency I was talking about all on your own. My daughter was actually in interim care for more than 30 days with Spence- it was 2 months. I am so relieved that you liked them. I want to get you my contact info somehow if you have any questions/concerns, whatever. I could also put you in contact with our daughter's first mom if you'd like to hear about her experience working with Spence. I am so glad you got away from that IAC. I chose Spence because of their stats- I think parents should have every chance to parent if it is a possiblitiy that they desire, and Spence helps so many first families stay together.
ReplyDeleteAs far as havingPAPs at delivery my opinion is that they do not belong there. When you deliver you are mom, and that time is special. And I know now you are firm in your decision but I would hate for you to feel any coercion becasue "oh tehy were theer when seabass was born I just couldn't do that to them" or whatever. I think Spence will discourage that too and will really encourage you not to direct place from the hospital.
A few very brief thoughts, as my Chinese food it getting cold. More later.
ReplyDelete1st - Sounds like you found a good SW. Awesome!
2nd - It might be worth (okay, REALLY REALLY worth) your time to make arrangements with your professors next semester to take your exams at the beginning of the following semester regardless of when you actually deliver. Chances are you aren't going to be entirely in your right mind (Athena called this "pregnancy brain") when you're that close to birthing if you go past your date (also likely). The other possibility is that you've given birth and need recuperation time. Athena needed a long time (over a month) but she had a really tough delivery. In either case you may thank yourself for scheduling your life around your delivery instead of trying to make the delivery fit your life. It sucks, but it's often a necessary evil.
3rd - I second LeMira's suggestion for delivery room support. Critical. And, from a guys perspective (granted a weird guy but a guy none the less) watching Athena give birth didn't make her less sexy to me. I can't imagine an experience that could cement our bond so thoroughly as experiencing birth together.
More when my food isn't cooling. By the bye, wasting your time is what I'm here for. ;)
I think the boarding care is a great option if necessary. I didn't realize something like that existed.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I am's 2nd point is really really good advice!
One more comment: The more I read about Spence-Chapin, the more I like it!
ReplyDeleteOh, and I agree with I am, too, regarding your final exams. I really like that idea of taking them afterward, I'd never think of that. My sister-in-law got special permission to do hers a week or two early because she was due during finals, and she ended up having her baby the first day of finals. Professors appreciate any advance notice, they'll work with you because you are planning ahead (at least the good ones do).
Wow - I wish I'd known about a place like this when I was placing my daughter for adoption about eight years ago (whoa that sounds like a long time when I sit and type it out), when I was in school. I had a pretty awful experience with the agency...
ReplyDeleteBut everything worked out fine with the family. I love your spot-on observations of the PAP letters.
Who to have in the delivery room... my friend/roommate was in the delivery room with me. She passed out pretty quickly; not helpful. Lucky for me, my parents were 1,000 miles away. What about your sister? Have you heard of doulas? They're labor support/totally awesome women (usually). Their job is to be there for *you*, and advocate for whatever *you* want. Mine were pretty cool.
I like the puppy idea (Great Danes are, well, great), as well as the shirts.
This is superrandom, but I'm in New York. I'm a pretty cool person. I'd be more than happy to go get some not-coffee with you. So many people helped me out; it'd be cool to be able to make another girl in a similar situation smile. God, that sounds patronizing. Anyway. My email address is on my profile. Say hi if you want. :)
Doulas are a good idea. They're basically nice women who know about helping you through labor, and are non-invested and non-judgmental, which might be a valuable thing for your hormonal, birthing self.
ReplyDeleteAlso, no a-parents in the delivery room. I had 13 onlookers (friends/family) when my oldest was born. I felt bad that they wouldn't be as involved in his life (seeing how I placed him for adoption and all) so I wanted to share as much of his life with them as I could. I would never do it again. I just felt inhibited, and I resented all the visitors because I never had any alone time with my son. Also, none of them have ever come up to me and said how generous and meaningful it was for them to be there. I spent more time regretting it than any of them spent savoring it.
I watched my sister-in-law give birth (I think she was trying to return the favor). As an idea, it sounds so heartwarming, but really all I remember is her crazy moaning and the weird things she said after she got the drugs. Especially with an open adoption, my advice is to keep the insane pain-speak private. Just my opinion.