Monday, August 16, 2010

Miserable most, to love unloved.

My mom called me at 8:30 this morning, while I was still dewy eyed and asleep, curled up next to Max Power like a cat. My ringtone is really fucking loud. Turns out the woman who runs the front desk at her office is sick, and since I am the defacto put-her-anywhere temp person, she needs me to come in. We'd had a conversation yesterday that I thought meant, "I'm done for the summer" and she thought meant, "You need to give me more things to do." When I asked not to come in, she got very upset. So I kicked Max Power out, cried a bit, and came to work.

I'm disgustingly dependent on him. It's pretty gross. He found himself a ride home yesterday and was about to leave and I burst into tears, which guilted him into staying. I've been crying a lot lately, and I'm sure it's the hormones, but I just feel so overwhelmingly, all-encompassingly, dark-night-of-the-soul alone. I don't feel a connection to the seabass. I don't feel he's mine. I can't relate to other people. I need Max Power to be around, all the time, because he is the only other person who is also going through this. But when he is around, I clam up. I don't know how to act, I get flustered, timid, too affectionate, not affectionate enough, awkward, sad. I don't want to mention the seabass, because I don't want to remind him he's shackled to me. Aren't chains ashamed of their prisoners? But everything else seems trivial.

This is a pretty useless post. Maybe, in some ways, I'm trying to pull a Lucius Fox when he tries to describe to Bruce Wayne how he came up with the antidote to Scarecrow's fear toxin:
Lucius: I analyzed your blood, isolating the receptor compounds and the protein based catalyst.
Bruce: Am I meant to understand any of that?
Lucius: Not at all. I just wanted you to know how hard it was.

Being pregnant when you don't want to be sucks. Being a birthmom is probably going to suck even more. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been through it to understand - just like I can't understand what it feels like to be an adoptee or a paraplegic or a war veteran or an elephant. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It just... it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's thankless, it's alienating, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, it hurts everywhere, everywhere. All the time.

I can't sleep. I've taken to wandering around my neighborhood at all hours of the night, while lonely men on park benches solicit me. "Twenty bucks," a guy said when I passed him last night on my way to 7-Eleven to get Nerds (sugar helps with the cigarette cravings). "Fifty," he said when I passed him again on the way home. I wonder how high he woulda gone if I'd kept walking in circles around him.

15 comments:

  1. "It just... it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's thankless, it's alienating, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, it hurts everywhere, everywhere. All the time."

    This describes exactly how I've always imagined my biological mother felt which is why I have and have always had huge compassion for her. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am sorry. It does suck. I can't understand exactly, but I live the opposite side of the coin, and the words you wrote apply to me, as well. Every day. I wouldn't wish the pain on my worst enemy. Well, maybe I would, but just because I know some really awful people.

    I wish I could say that it goes away or gets better, but I don't know.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sorry you feel lonely and isolated. It does feel incredibly isolating. The agony you're experiencing now is intense. Remember a fair portion of that is pregnancy brain. Also remember that if you and Max Power are going to do the adoption together you must talk to each other. Let me say that again.

    YOU

    MUST

    TALK!

    I'm going to start swatting you over the head soon if you two can't start being honest with each other. It's scary as hell, but no where near as bad as going through an adoption with someone you've chosen not to trust! If you feel awkward, flustered, and timid use those exact words and tell MP "I feel awkward, flustered and timid. I want to talk but I don't know how. Can you help me?" I don't like giving advice but I see you heading into some self destructive turf here and not just destructive to you. The two of you have to be honest and respectful to each other for Seabass' sake. It's important to define honesty here. Being honest isn't a lack of falsehood. To be honest is to bring forth all truth. You owe it to Max. You owe it to Seabass. You owe it to yourself. I've got a pretty strong feeling you may not believe that last one. The truth is I don't give a crap if you believe me or not because I know I'm right on this one. You owe it to yourself to have honest relationships. And Max deserves the chance to have an honest relationship with you. The relationship you get may not be exactly what either of you want but at least it can be honest.

    We're all pulling for you. It makes me mad as hell to see you going through this because it hurts, it's hard, and it isn't fair.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Post Script: I don't know if I'd say it gets easier, but the wounds heal. Being a first parent becomes a part of who you are, not the defining characteristic of your life. Just an aspect. You will heal and it will get more manageable. The adoption will get harder before it gets better, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    ReplyDelete
  5. "But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It just... it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's thankless, it's alienating, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, it hurts everywhere, everywhere. All the time."

    yup...you pretty much summed up what it's like to be an adoptee too in that paragraph.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Pregnancy, for me, planned/desired/healthy, everything everything good, still made me feel (hormones? nausea? throwing up constantly?) very very lonely. I can't imagine throwing in the unknown of how you'll feel after sea bass arrives, & can only agree with the commenter who urged you to talk, to MP to others to anyone you feel able. It's just too hard to be as isolated as you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You mention not feeling connected to the seabass; I had the same experience when I was pregnant with Cricket. It doesn't mean that you're broken/unloving/Lady MacB, it just means that you aren't willing to form the attachment because you know that the kid is going to go away. It's nothing wrong with you--just something wrong with your situation.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'm sorry things are feeling overwhelming and sucky right now.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nothing is happening to you at all. You are choosing this life for yourself. You have lots of support but you are choosing this anyway.
    I do not feel one bit sorry for you.

    ReplyDelete
  10. In response to Lisa-

    There's nothing in this post that wouldn't be just as true were Lia to parent the Seabass. Her specific thoughts tied to her emotional experience may be different, but the experience would likely be the same. I find the fact that you don't recognize this, and that your compassion is so cheaply bought as to hinge on a single concept, deeply troubling. I hope that you can take this in the light it's said as genuine concern for your means of understanding and connecting with fellow humans. If you cannot recognize that either I sincerely hope you do not continue commenting on this blog. The opinion you've shared, while valid and has a right to be head, was expressed in a way that is neither helpful nor constructive.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'd like to second what I Am, susiebook and Sarah said. Please, please communicate with MP, and give yourself a chance. Susie expressed the disconnect perfectly... I wrote out a comment last night but Blogger ate it.

    I hope that the links I emailed you helped, even a little (maybe eliciting a chuckle?). xo

    ReplyDelete
  12. I know these words will sound cheap, but hang in there. Blogging is my therapy, too, and it's okay to have posts that don't make much sense. Sometimes you just have to get it off your mind. And Lady M was a crazy, wacked out, um, ahem,. . .lady. I think we're all allowed to have our Lady M moments, just don't let them eat you alive.

    ReplyDelete
  13. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It just... it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's thankless, it's alienating, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, it hurts everywhere, everywhere.

    This is the truest thing! :( I'm two years out and I still feel that way - my counselor placed 10 years ago and still feels that way. It's not quite constant for us anymore, but still. When it hits, it hits hard and doesn't go away for a little while. Thinking of you!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Seabass will be blessed with a good life because you are willing to do a very, very hard thing. Give yourself credit for your unselfishness. You are more than you imagine yourself to be. And, yes, all pregnancies are weird to some extent. There's too much going on in your body for you to feel normal! it's okay.

    ReplyDelete
  15. In case you have not seen this yet, a good resource for mothers considering open adoption is Brenda Romanchik's site;
    http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/

    Brenda is a birthmother in a successful open adoption for around 25 years. She in no way minimizes the pain and grief in open adoption. She is also a therapist. She does not work for any agency or push any agenda, but has good resources for those exploring their options.

    Please check in to her site, she is a good source of support whether you decide to parent or surrender.

    ReplyDelete

Seabass Eruption Countdown