Miserable most, to love unloved.

My mom called me at 8:30 this morning, while I was still dewy eyed and asleep, curled up next to Max Power like a cat. My ringtone is really fucking loud. Turns out the woman who runs the front desk at her office is sick, and since I am the defacto put-her-anywhere temp person, she needs me to come in. We'd had a conversation yesterday that I thought meant, "I'm done for the summer" and she thought meant, "You need to give me more things to do." When I asked not to come in, she got very upset. So I kicked Max Power out, cried a bit, and came to work.

I'm disgustingly dependent on him. It's pretty gross. He found himself a ride home yesterday and was about to leave and I burst into tears, which guilted him into staying. I've been crying a lot lately, and I'm sure it's the hormones, but I just feel so overwhelmingly, all-encompassingly, dark-night-of-the-soul alone. I don't feel a connection to the seabass. I don't feel he's mine. I can't relate to other people. I need Max Power to be around, all the time, because he is the only other person who is also going through this. But when he is around, I clam up. I don't know how to act, I get flustered, timid, too affectionate, not affectionate enough, awkward, sad. I don't want to mention the seabass, because I don't want to remind him he's shackled to me. Aren't chains ashamed of their prisoners? But everything else seems trivial.

This is a pretty useless post. Maybe, in some ways, I'm trying to pull a Lucius Fox when he tries to describe to Bruce Wayne how he came up with the antidote to Scarecrow's fear toxin:
Lucius: I analyzed your blood, isolating the receptor compounds and the protein based catalyst.
Bruce: Am I meant to understand any of that?
Lucius: Not at all. I just wanted you to know how hard it was.

Being pregnant when you don't want to be sucks. Being a birthmom is probably going to suck even more. I don't expect anyone who hasn't been through it to understand - just like I can't understand what it feels like to be an adoptee or a paraplegic or a war veteran or an elephant. But I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It just... it's lonely, it's terrifying, it's thankless, it's alienating, it's uncomfortable, it's frustrating, it hurts everywhere, everywhere. All the time.

I can't sleep. I've taken to wandering around my neighborhood at all hours of the night, while lonely men on park benches solicit me. "Twenty bucks," a guy said when I passed him last night on my way to 7-Eleven to get Nerds (sugar helps with the cigarette cravings). "Fifty," he said when I passed him again on the way home. I wonder how high he woulda gone if I'd kept walking in circles around him.