My 21st birthday is on October 23rd, and I will be about 7 and a half months pregnant. THIS BUMS ME OUT. As a previously adamantly not-recovering addict (totally a story for another blog, but yeah), quitting drinking and drugs is a daily struggle with a momentous amount of suck. My 21st birthday was supposed to be, well, everything a 21st birthday normally is, except MORE, because it's me. It's that whole it's-a-special-occasion excuse to do basically everything I can get my hands on. And in a less fucked up way, I'm supposed to be able to go to dinner with my family and order a cocktail and take a picture drinking it and blah blah blah.
It's all this stuff I had to GIVE UP - no rollercoasters this summer (my favorite things), no post-coital cigarettes, postponing my dental surgery so that I can have the full amount of drugs I will need with it, postponing drugs in general (oh god I hope nobody tells me this one is a blessing - YEAH DRUGS ARE BAD I GET IT), no traditional 21st birthday - and how angry I am about it, that sort of reaffirms my belief in adoption for myself. Because I'm a selfish person, and I have no qualms about that. Max Power and I simply are not ready to sacrifice our lives for the seabass's. Let me make it clear: the decision never came down to parenting or adoption. It was abortion or adoption. We are not ready or willing to be parents. Maybe that makes us terrible people, but at least we KNOW it and are availing ourselves of our options instead of ignoring what we know in order to do what other people feel we should. Now, of course, this doesn't mean we don't love the seabass, or that we won't always love him. Today, Max Power got to feel him kick for the first time (normally when I tell him to feel my belly the seabass immediately stops, as if he quiets down to respect Max Power's authority or something) and the look on his face was nuts. And I'm sure that once the seabass is born there will be lots of complicated emotions as a result, but one thing won't change: we still won't be ready to be parents. We still won't WANT to be parents. I will still want my 21st birthday, preferably IN the hospital (I've already demanded Max Power find a way to bring me a margarita the size of my head ASAP after the birth, in a Big Gulp if he has to). Maybe we're selfish - okay, we are - and maybe the shame and guilt of that will follow us for the rest of our lives. But shame and guilt is something I can deal with - having a child I resent is not.
At Max Power's this weekend. I was supposed to go home tonight (work tomorrow) but being alone in my room at night gives me panic attacks, and I'm trying to avoid those, so I'm staying. I'm so tired all the time. I feel completely worn down. I'm always cold, even though it's blisteringly hot here. The seabass kicks and squirms at the most inopportune times. I'm irritable and grumpy. I've started enjoying sex less. I've started enjoying everything less. I really just want all of this to be over - but it never will, will it? It's gonna last forever.
PS - Despite all of this, I AM SO EXCITED FOR MY ULTRASOUND ON FRIDAY! And also for my silly shirts to arrive. These are the ones I got:
http://www.cafepress.com/+maternity_ts,191725404
http://www.cafepress.com/+im_in_ur_womb_cravin_ur_foodz_maternity_dark_tshi,132300807
Is the second one funny? I was really late to the LOLcatz craze, but I find it SO FUNNY in an embarrassing sort of way. Once I was sitting in the living room of my apartment with my roommate, who was trying to study and was in a bit of an irritable mood. I started looking at LOLcatz and couldn't stop, and I was laughing so hard I was physically shaking with the effort of suppressing it. My poor roommate. So I cracked up when I saw that shirt. Funny or no?
What do you mean you're always cold? No fair! Warm feet during pregnancy is supposed to be one of the benefits!
ReplyDeleteIt's sucky how small things don't feel so small when you are facing the loss of them. Yet you feel like if you complain that you're being petty. But you know what? Being pregnant when you don't want to be is pure suck. Being pregnant with a baby you don't feel prepared to parent is just more suck. And missing your 21st birthday blow out because of it is just the detail of suckage heaped upon a pile of suck. I'm sorry.
Here's an anti-drug message to make you laugh. At least it made ME laugh. PeeWee does NOT want you to do crack!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agT2GVNQjao
First off I second Dawn's take on "suck." There's a lot of it and the small bits don't suck any less because there are huge ones too. Similarly the big ones aren't any easier because there's a small ocean of aggravations, annoyances, and disappointments.
ReplyDelete"shame and guilt I can deal with - having a child I resent is not." Straight out of my mouth. I very rarely say this because I understand how condescending and disrespectful it can be: I know EXACTLY what you're talking about here. I don't know if you read my response to LeMira's post a while back on this subject. Anyway, here's a little something to let you know you're not the only one in that boat. You've got company whether it be comforting or depressing.
http://mattandlemira.blogspot.com/2010/07/eyes-wide-open.html
I totally admire you for knowing yourself well enough to know that you're not ready to parent. As a mom of two kids, and a birthmom to my 3rd and youngest, I can tell you that parenting is probably even harder than my worst day of being a birthmom. Mainly because these short people are always in my house demanding things from me or rolling their eyes at me. And yet, I would still give them my arm if it was what they needed.
ReplyDeleteI was 7 1/2 months pregnant with my daughter (who is now 10) on my 21st birthday. I went out to dinner with my then-husband and ordered a beer and drank about half of it. I didn't even get carded!! I was so mad!
I suggest that after your seabass is born and you're all recovered, you have an Un-Baby Shower, which basically amounts to a drunken free-for-all of a night. That's what I did. :)
Hey, we have the same birthday! And my birthdays always suck, too, so maybe it's a problem with the 23rd of October.
ReplyDeleteThere's nothing selfish about realizing you're not ready to be a parent. The selfish thing would be not admitting it.
A few things:
ReplyDelete1. What Dawn said (as usual ;).
2. Your reasoning about your adoption decision makes all kinds of sense to me.
3. Sorry you aren't feeling well. Hopefully most of your second trimester will be a lot more comfortable physically.
4. Love Jenni's idea of an Un-Baby Shower!
5. The t-shirt is amusing.
6. No pressure or anything, but...I hope you'll let us know pronto how things go on Friday!!
Found you through I Am. My daughter's birthmoter turned 21 during the pregnancy and had a bottle of vodka waiting in the trunk of her car after the delivery :) We have a very open adoption, we knew the couple prior to the pregnancy, and so far it's been good. I Am and I have chatted about what an unusual relationship it is, it requires so much respect and so much awareness. More than I bring to the table sometimes...
ReplyDeleteYes, my dear, there is a lot of suck in birthdays. I had many a sucky b-day, particulalry in my infertility days...funny how you want a drink even more when you "can't have it".
ReplyDeleteIf you deliver in NYC, I'll bring the party hats and a bottle of your choice (I was never one for the white stuff, though) and meet you amd Max Power and raise a glass or 12.